On the 17th of December, I felt it was a mid-test on how I perceive and process the emotions that arises. A day of my father’s birthday, and also a day where Saturn returns. Normally, I would spend half of my time alone and half of my time or even lesser with my loved ones. Today, I spend 80% of the day with my parents and with that time, I am aware of my own conditioning, and attachments. As if I was on automatic mode..
To be honest, it’s not easy at all for me, it was overwhelming with emotions where I find myself in the middle point juggling between the moon and the sun. From the astrology point of view, I was born on a full moon, meaning to say the sensitivity level is very high especially to emotions, thus, it is one of my challenge in this life to juggle and integrate between the sun and the moon, the light and the dark.
Everyone has their on attachments and belief systems, I am at no position to judge anyone even myself because we are of different dynamics yet we are constantly connected through an invisible network. What I know for sure is when I am imbalance within, I would focus on consumption from the external stimuli, say eating more sugar and flour leading the inflammation of the body which causes disease in the body. Aiks.
Emotionally, I realised I constantly wanting to make people feel good, putting a lot of attention on people around rather than my needs, as known as, weak boundaries. At the same time, I recognised that everyone is me, therefore I do not deny them. It is like experiencing consciousness and unconsciousness at the same time, two extremes at one spectrum going back and forth to satisfy each other needs, in an extreme way.
And I was told to allow myself to express and feel ‘what is’ rather than having a conditioned expectations of good things to happen. So, there is no good or bad, it is an experience with tons of emotions going up and down within. When I learned that the society is representing the unconsciousness collectively, while the individual has certain level of awareness and consciousness, therefore it is important to step away from the collective society search for your own truth.
In short, I need to meditate now and start fasting. Is this a conditioning too? I wonder..