I hope this serves you in allowing yourself to feel and let the feelings to come through, then let it go.
Do you feel stuck? Living the same routine daily and feeling the same emotions. You are not alone. I have been feeling this urge of ‘escapism’ from feeling stuck within for months, knowing why I feel so. That even sucks because I know what stops me yet I am still hesitant to move forward.
Why so? I asked myself.
…
It is Capricorn season now and having 4 planets & one node in Capricorn (in my astrology birth chart), I would say my dominant energy is Capricorn energy. Capricorn is about doing the work using tools, it is the king of structures, saying “I can do better.”
When I received homework daily from Yosoy.red (I Am) alignment with Matias, yesterday we were given the ‘Capricorn’ task to write down our conversations with I (yo) and Am (soy) on our personal patterns. It took my an hour to write down 7 pages about my patterns – why I am who I am from ancestors lineage to this lifetime.
Here am I, uncovering 10 patterns of mine, mainly on the negative aspect, to dig deeper on ‘What are my blocks?’.
“One does not enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
Carl Gustav Jung
By using the 7 Laws of the Universe as a guide: The Law of Mentalism, The Law of Correspondence, The Law of Vibration, The Law of Rhythm, The Law of Cause & Effect, The Law of Polarity, The Law of Generation.
Here comes my 10 patterns: (which some might resonates to you)
Just imagine yourself sitting in a circle with 10 versions of you, each representing one pattern, how would you feel by looking at them? Be aware of how you would feel about each pattern. If it resonates, take extra attention, to question yourself.
- Pattern 1: Survival Mode – Security & Fear;
- Pattern 2: Codependent – Enmeshment on Relationships;
- Pattern 3: Stay In Comfort Zone – Rigid to Change
- Pattern 4: Over-accommodation – Putting Family Needs Over Own Needs
- Pattern 5: Indecisiveness – ‘Wishy-Washy’
- Pattern 6: Victimhood
- Pattern 7: Close Self Off – Not Asking For Help
- Pattern 8: Numbing Emotions & Suppressing Emotions (Not Speaking Out)
- Pattern 9: Not Taking Initiative – Give Power Away
- Pattern 10: Self Criticism & Self Doubt (Self Sabotage)
- + Sweet Reminder
- + What to do with the patterns?
- + Your Task
First, what is a pattern?
A piece of data provides security = structure. For mind to have security, it looks for patterns – ideas, perceptions, beliefs. It is created to defend the being, which makes it difficult to break the barriers we had.
…
Entering the conversations between I (me) & AM (my higher-inner self)..
Pattern 1: Survival Mode – Security & Fear
I: I am curious why are we so attached to the survival mode? Knowing it mentally, it (the body) serves to protect us, ensuring our continuous survival..
AM: Well, you feel it everytime when there is perceived danger, fear arises, what did you do?
I: I would hide myself or ran away from it.
AM: When?
I: When the mind perceived potential dangers, even just by receiving message notifications, before reading it, the mind would project it as a threat. So I would delay from reading the message.
AM: What makes you ran away? The perceived dangers? It is because these are registered in the body or the ancestor blueprint?
I: All the above. So yea, I get it, it is the blueprint which repeatedly live within me to protect me.
AM: That is what going on with the family, whether one is aware of it and being able to transcend by not being controlled by it. But, utilising it as a tool, to keep challenging the ‘old’ self..
I: I get it. As I have times I am aware. I have times I just go with the masses, the society programming. So, I would just keep practising by being aware.
AM: It has it purpose, don’t deny it. Own it. There as a base for growth. Thus, new blueprint is created with the existed.
Pattern 2: Codependent – Enmeshment on Relationships
I: I am very aware that I tend to depend and enmesh with the emotions of others. Hoping to save them and to be saved by others. The storyline of princess & prince attracts me. Even seeing someone in pain, if it resonates, my first instinct is to get them out of the pain..
AM: Noticing this pattern from ?
I: From my parents. Everyone has a bit of it. Then, I started to hate how dependable people have to be with each other until the extend one cannot live without the other. That’s why I dislike to depend since young, having to belief you have to make me happy..
AM: What are your feelings about it now?
I: Now, I understand it is partly inherited and partly learned. Seeing how societies’ movies, advertisements, songs ‘educating’ and reminding us to be dependent on people, substances etc. I see it as us not being aware and not knowing how to depend on self for joy. We don’t really take responsibility.
AM: Do you still hate it now?
I: Yes, sometimes, I realised that’s the part I deny myself and not allowing myself to be so. Yet, I am depending on my family now. Irony..
AM: Here is the pattern of what is. Are you able to be your own Axis and lead by example? That’s your question now.
I: I am my own Axis.
AM: And, so it is.
Pattern 3: Stay In Comfort Zone – Rigid to Change
I: This pattern, I observed a lot from my dad, grandpa, uncle and mum. Even my close ones and myself, being stubborn in what we believe in.
AM: Why do you think so? What makes people rigid?
I: I speak for myself, I tend to believe what is shown & practiced by people around me. Only in recent years, I started to see from different perspectives, and started to see beyond all these. Hey, there’s more than this! Still, there are certain beliefs like scarcity holds me..
AM: ‘Scarcity’ makes you feeling rigid to change?
I: I have that in me, the mindset, yet I see abundance in every way. So, my scarcity, the rigidity I have is more on the finance side. It is like a daily reminders staying at home. But, when I see trees, water, air and love as abundance though.
AM: Everything is energy. All with constant vibration. Thus, money, love, air, water, food, thoughts are all vibrating energy. What can you do to also see money as energy which is infinite?
I: A good question.. when you put it in the same category, it is all the same. It is just how the mind has been dividing it into different labels. So.. yeah, I feel stuck when it comes to expansion to create and receive.
AM: It is a mental structure, a knot has been there for protection, safety over expansion because partly the ancestors part faces similar situations which failed thus it stops from moving forward. How can you educate yourself and the ancestors (cells) to transcend, knowing evolution is the real stability?
I: Step by Step. Daily. Moving out of comfort zone. I understand I am the initiator of change to breakthrough the old construct. Thus, I am going to be one.
I AM: I already am.
Pattern 4: Over-accommodation – Putting Family Needs Over Own Needs
I: Here’s the group family dynamics which created guilt within as each time I grow or tend to distance from my family emotional needs.
AM: Knowing when family needs and your needs are conflicted, there is the cause & effect. Whenever you ascend or descend, being a part of the group, reminds you as one. Why do you think it is so?
I: The group wants me to stay within what was, for safety. I belong to the family group. So, to ensure what’s known, the group energy has such pull.
AM: Recognise that is where you are from, that is how you are here today, can you appreciate such forces as part of you?
I: Yes, I am. At the same time, I am all the roots of the family trees.
Pattern 5: Indecisiveness – ‘Wishy-Washy’
I: This is another part where I find it challenging, because of my learning behaviour and accommodation from people around me since young. I begin to feel frustrated whenever we face situations like this. No one, or rather each of us being too over accommodate with each other with people pleasing traits.
AM: Why so?
I: To be accepted. So tend to lean on where the wind blows.
AM: Indecisiveness is when one does not know what to choose given options available. Where one not knowing which to pick as the best option, one would give away the power for others to decide. Not trusting own decisions, not following one’s heart or suppressing such voices.
I: When we have low-esteem, that’s when I don’t believe my choice is good for others. So, I myself make decision easier when I am alone.
AM: When you can make decision with others, that’s when you are on your own axis. Showing others to be their own axis.
I: By trusting own instinct and speak it out!
AM: Irregardless of what others say or think, be your own lighthouse. So, others can be their own lighthouse.
I: I am my own lighthouse.
AM: And, so it is.
Pattern 6: Victimhood
I: I believe I have observed a lot in others and sometimes myself, this is where I gave my power away. Most of the time, I can bring myself back to to this realisation that I am in charge.
AM: What do you observe?
I: When one feels bad, it is others who makes them feel so. That is the reflection and awareness is needed to see it as a projection of self, rather than others make you feel so.
AM: In which area did you notice victimhood in you?
I: Ah, my environment. My finance. My project. I paused the project which involves moving around because of Covid-19, to be safe. So, this is where I put the blame on Covid-19, that my project is paused.
AM: What can you do about it?
I: I would surrender and adapt. But, since yesterday, I saw the light and hope to move around again. To the places I have always wanted to go with the project.
AM: What are you waiting for?
I: Consistent action with obsessive focus on it.
AM: I am taking responsibility.
I: With what I can control and by surrendering to what is.
Pattern 7: Close Self Off – Not Asking For Help
I: Only in recent weeks I found out how having my Moon in Leo (astrology) makes me feel so proud of my inner emotions thus not asking help by not revealing my vulnerable side is one of my thing. I see how ‘close off’ my parents are to others, which I would feel hurtful to see how humans are not trusting each other, thus not knowing how to ask for help.
AM: Be aware of own projections rather than charging or judging others for not doing what they should have done. There is a part of you closing yourself odd – emotionally, thus, you can’t provide emotional help to others.
I: That’s also my recent awareness. Especially on social media.
AM: What stops you from asking help? What can you take charge of?
I: I dislike it when I perceived myself as weak, that’s what stops me. Being seen as incapable of handling myself, that hurts me. What can I do about it? I am open to sharing and learning from others who has been doing it easily. So I can ask for their recommendations.
AM: Open up to self to open up to others. We are not separate beings, we are one. From the same source.
I: =)
Pattern 8: Numbing Emotions & Suppressing Emotions (Not Speaking Out)
I: I see and I am aware of this pattern from people around me. I tend to judge people and myself when one suppresses and numbs one’s emotions.
AM: Did you numb your emotions?
I: Yes, a lot. I would watch movies, dramas and shows to not think about it and to not feel it. My parents too. I would numb myself at first, then at some point, I have to face it. I would face it.
AM: How can you express your deepest needs and emotions to self and others? There are words you have been wanting to express. What’s stopping you from speaking?
I: Fear of not being loved and accepted. I have the intention to liberate myself from such self-imposed cage.
AM: Start by expressing. Be the example for your loved ones. Thus, liberation begins. Remember the time you did when you confessed your relationship with S to your parents?
I: Yes, it was a scary yet liberating moment by telling the truth. I am ready to spill it out. My brother is here too.
Pattern 9: Not Taking Initiative – Give Power Away
I: Many times this happen to myself and everyone. Thus, I understand the challenges of doing so.
AM: The Law of Cause & Effect. You face the consequences of every action you take. As you continue the action of not taking responsibility, you are facing the same situations again. Until you change your course.
I: I realised that, these days, repeating the same loop. Judging how unproductive it is and thus feeling bad about my routine. Yet, I keep repeating it. Why?
AM: Automation of habits. You crave for security over change. When growth is your priority, things will be different.
I: I am bored of this. Yet, I understood the importance of daily routine and discipline of doing so with meditation, alignment, journaling, exercise, creating..
AM: Discipline, what can you be discipline of?
I: It is challenging as I wanted to flow with ease, with Cancer energy of my South Node moving to Capricorn in North Node (in Astrology). So, I see discipline as an unease for me?
AM: See discipline as a way you see evolution. A route map towards your destination, with discipline, you build your own sanctuary and castle each day. How you meditate and exercise daily helps you to becoming. Just be. Remember, you are and becoming a diamond, capable of living under pressure.
I: Yes, I am.
Pattern 10: Self Criticism & Self Doubt (Self Sabotage)
I: I notice my Chiron is conjunct to 3 planets and one node. I know why I would doubt myself whenever I want to do something big.. there are voices within which is going to be there forever. My Chiron shows me where to bring healing to my pain. (PS: Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,” Chiron affects all aspects of wellness — our physical health, mental health, emotions, and spirituality.)
AM: So, knowing its purpose, you get to decide, are you allowing such voices and wounds to be ‘you’ or you use them as a foundation to be in your own Axis?
I: I understand why is it here, to again protect and teach me, that’s how the old way works. But, not everytime.
AM: Evolution begins when you integrate and transcend the wounds to creating who you are.
I: I am the voice. I am the new voice.
AM: Free yourself from the mental construct.
The end of the conversations. Now, which pattern do you feel resonate with?
…
A Sweet Reminder:
It is important to note that these patterns have made me who I am today, passing from lineage to bring to present moment, serving as a foundation for all living beings. Thus, it deserved to be honoured and respected. I appreciate all these 10 patterns (or even more) as my survival principles. Not putting anyone to blame, I take full responsibility.
Now, knowing I am part of the group, everyone is a reflection of me. I am accepting and owning each of these patterns as different aspects of me shaping me to who I am. Knowing where have I lost my power by giving it away. The question is, am I in charge of my life? Are you?
Recognising these patterns are my self created patterns, thus putting me in position where I am holding the power within for change.
“What I am not responsible for controls me.”
Matias De Stefano
What can we do with the patterns?
As we have been living in the same protected house, we tend to experience the same realities and thus limiting growth. By opening the door, while respecting the foundations (patterns), we get to explore new perspectives leading to new understanding and realities. When we return home, we bring ‘these’ home with us. So instead of ‘breaking the patterns’ (destroying the house foundation), we transcend by integrating the old and the new.
Your Task:
Should you choose to receive, discover your own 10 patterns (your beliefs on who you are, what or who reflect who you are). Write down the conversations between yourself (I) and your higher self or god as your beliefs (I Am), Just let it flow, without thinking, question self, it is okay not to have the answer, you might discover something new.
Enjoy your journey in peeling off layer by layer.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Rumi
…
Patience, my friend.
Be kind to yourself.
Know your patterns.
Recognise which kept you as a prisoner.
Regain your power.
Learn to choose better.
Use them.
Be coherent in feelings & actions.
Transform.
…
With tender love,
Abhya Pan
presence 心.静 