Anger & Forgiveness

My personal sharing on the relationship with anger and forgiveness

I am a person who find it difficult to show my anger towards others.

When I learned that real forgiveness can be used with anger to restore our violated boundary, I am most delighted to set my anger free. Especially on my past events where I withhold my anger as I perceived it was bad to express and I would make up reasons for the behaviours of others. 

Here, I am about to express and show my real forgiveness in words for the past.

Before that, I deemed it is very important for us to note what I have learned about anger and forgiveness from Karla McLaren’s book- “The Language of Emotions”.

Instead of shoving anger into the shadow side and glorifying forgiveness, anger and forgiveness can work together in our healing process. It is when we make no excuses for the other, but to be present with our pain, our original wound. There is a separation from torment and tormentors to restore anger supported boundaries, then forgiveness naturally follows. 

The real forgiveness would say,

“I see that you were doing what worked for you at the time, but it never, ever worked for me!” 

If we forgive before we are done feeling the effects of our experiences, we artificially remove our gaze from the actual wounding event or person. 

When we work with our strong emotions, we can move such energy to restore equilibrium. So, real forgiveness can’t exist without true anger, true despair, true fear, and true emotional integrity. 

At times, more than one forgiveness are required for deep wounds before they are truly healed. Which then forgiveness become a practice. 

Open Letters on ‘When I Felt Hurt”

“No one in history ever take power from humans, it is humans who gave their power away, not knowing one’s own power.”  

To A: I know why you do what you do, which worked for you, but it did not worked for me at all. I felt so much pain and hurt from your behaviour which I learned to silence myself and cry alone in the room. I felt not being heard so I shoved my voice within and never to express it again, because I know I will be shouted, yelled, and screamed at. I am afraid of these behaviours so I would not want to get close to you, even though I know your hurt and pain. Slowly, I choose not to express my anger to anyone, unless I was really frustrated. Most of the time, I would turn it inward which I suffer, and, I did not know how to handle such powerful overwhelming emotions. I don’t hate you, I accept you, I love you, but I don’t love such behaviour at all. I just wish you would know, anger is here to help us to restore boundaries, when it comes, let it comes, when it goes, let it goes. There is nothing wrong with anger, but when anger is expressed outwards towards others, it is hurtful to yourself and to those whom you expressed to. Start taking own responsibilities on your feelings, ask why are these anger within you. Only you can make a difference. I am here to support you throughout your journey, but I will not be responsible for it, because it is your job.    

To B: I felt so hurt and pain at that moment of time when I received comments from you that I am incapable of being mature, constantly acting like a kid. I felt like this part of me was not accepted by you which was sad. I felt pain when you lied, the story I told myself was I was not being trusted. I felt pain and hurt when you just don’t trust me fully. There were some harsh words which came out when you were angry, I was just sitting there listening, with no where to turn to and most of the time, I would cry alone, then you hated to see me crying, made me felt more painful because I don’t have an outlet to release anymore. Again, I have to cry alone in a confined space. I do not feel acknowledged, which I know it is my own work, but I do not feel supported when such emotions arises. I won’t make excuses for you now, I wish you to know that I love you and I accept you but I do not appreciate the time when you throw tantrums on me when things do not go expected as you wish. I do not take the responsibility of your misery and I do not have to fulfil any needs of yours because it is your responsibilities to do so. Even how badly you wouldn’t want to hear this, I wish you to start asking question, why do you think such anger flush out? 

To C: I felt really hurt, when you can just turn your back over me like flip second. When I cut my hair short, I felt a complete turnover where I was being accepted with short haircut. I felt I was being shame with such length. As much as I love my hair, I was dealing with the hate from myself too. Your behaviour was a reflection of my own, so I own it, but it still hurts. Not now, but back then. Then, we started to drift away from each other, knowing our goals in life were not aligned. I see how excited you were when you met her, when you shared how amazing her conditions were for you. I was happy for you. What is hurtful the most is when you decided to keep the progress from me. I only found out through others. It was only when I called you overseas, to ask you what happened, then you only shared it with me. And that is a time when I felt I was abandoned for not being ‘good enough’, meeting your conditions. If we were to communicate openly, I could have blessed you and end our relationship with openness and with ease. But it didn’t. And I felt hurt when you chose to ‘block’ me out of your social media. I know it worked for you but it did not worked for me, because I felt unwanted. I know, I take my own responsibility, but you own yours. There’s no more excuses I would make for you. I do care about you. I wish you continuously receiving the love you desired in this lifetime. 

To D: I felt hurtful for not being told the truth, for not being honest with me given the time we shared. I know why you do so, but it don’t worked for me. And how you said things but, mostly, did not realised it. The story I told myself was, I was not worthy of being loved and cared for. It hurts. That’s it. I love you for who you are, but I wish we could be more open to each other. 

To E: I felt really painful when I hear those words from you from our last conversations on the phone. The story I told myself was, I am not worthy of being loved by you because of all the lists of things you told me why and what made you don’t love me. I felt not being accepted as who I am, being told I was childish, which for me, is one of the best quality I owned. It was painful to hear such words of yours counting how unworthy I am, how I acted and how I see things. A total knock down on my own perception of self. And I did not had any anger to you at that time, I understand from your point of view, so I neglected mine, which is my responsibility, But, hey, only after a year, my anger resurfaced and *&#$%( you for being so brutally honest. I felt ignored when I send you birthday message yet you choose not to reply, or you didn’t see it, I rather not make excuses for you. We had our good sweet times, so good until I believed I was the luckiest woman ever to receive such treatment and love from you. We had our ups and downs, but at the end, was one of the epic moments of all. I know you were in pain, so I chose not to do anything to cause you more pain afterwards. I shoved it in. It worked for you to do this, but it did not worked for me. I took time to sooth myself thanks to you. I do not wish to blame you, but man, you got to take the responsibility on how irresponsible you were when you ignored all my calls and messages before the last call. That was effing painful. I am glad to invite my anger on this matter because it violated my boundary and even with a heart full of love to you, I wish you could know how painful it is for me to accept the fact that we have been through months of sweetness to bitterness at the end. And you called it the summer love. Laughed out loud. That’s not love. Maybe your projection of me is run out, so you choose to distance yourself. Understandable but not cool. I respect your decision, and with your personal experience, I salute you and you have allowed me to rediscover myself. &@*%&*#( you, with love.  

Take Nothing Personally

This is my first time expressing anger in words in relating to the past events and situations. Please take nothing personally, as all these are my personal feelings and emotions, for me to acknowledge and let go of. With no intention to harm others, only love. I love each of them and I accept all of them. I truly empathise and with deep compassion on the pain and hurt they have been carrying. But, here, I choose to acknowledge and be with my pain first, to allow my emotions to flow. So, forgiveness can come naturally. 

Why I share it? 

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Brené Brown

To show that, you can do it too. Not to share it publicly perhaps, but it is the act of real forgiveness by allowing the anger to arise and being with the pain. Don’t ever suppress it inside, let it out healthily. Let it flow like a water. We then create more space for new emotions and experiences. 

I choose to let it all go. 

Thank you anger, fear, and sadness.      

Freely,

Abhya

Published by Abbhya 阿比亚 Pan Vic Qi

One sharing and supporting unity consciousness

One thought on “Anger & Forgiveness

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