Day 5 on ‘First Step Towards Intimacy’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter
From Remembering Series
[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]
On the last post, we look at some perspectives on why we avoid intimacy, this post shares more on how we can be intimate, first with ourselves.
Recap on The Origin
The word intimacy comes from the Latin root intimum, which means your interiority, your innermost core.
Unless you have something there, you can’t be intimate with anybody.OSHO
The following sharing except from the book “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other” by OSHO and the book “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection” by Teal Swan.
The heart of authenticity
The root of authenticity is knowing how you feel and admitting it to yourself, and subsequently to others. Your emotions then are like a compass that brings you straight to awareness.
How to cultivate intimacy with self?
The first step is to accept yourself in your totality. Once you have accepted yourself as you are, the fear of intimacy will disappear. You are just like a small child, utterly innocent. You can open to enjoy simplicity, innocence, trust, love, openness.OSHO
And when you are ready to be intimate, you will encourage the other person also to be intimate. Your openness will help the other person also to be open to you. Your simplicity will allow the other and the fear of becoming very intimate with others, one will become aware of it.
Start where you are
Have you ask yourself what are you searching for?
As our senses are all extroverted with the eyes open outward, the hands move, spread outward, the legs move into the outside, the ears listen to the outside noises, to sounds. Whatsoever is available to us is all opening to the outside. We then, start searching there—where we see, feel, touch.
Be Aware of Your Emotions
The self-awareness protocol introduced by Teal Swan to discover our truth with emotions.
There are five basic parts that make up the complete truth about how we feel in any given situation that upsets us. They are, in this order: anger, pain, fear, understanding and love.
When we are hurt or afraid due to a specific conflict, but never let ourselves or others become aware of the anger we feel. It’s a natural defence. It’s actually a common behaviour, which we learn in our formative years, to only allow ourselves to explore and express certain aspects of the complete truth and not others.
Now, think about any upsetting event or situation in your life, then, write anything and everything you can about each of the following emotions. Note to not move on from one part (such as anger) to the next part (such as pain) until you feel that you have expressed and exhausted all thoughts and emotions that correspond to each specific part. Remember that emotions are healthy, so don’t suppress any emotions that come up.
• What am I angry about?
• What about this makes me so sad?
• What about this makes me so afraid?
• I understand that…
• Deep down, in my heart, I want…
If you find yourself enmesh to cater others’ thoughts and action easily, the first thing you need to work on is boundaries.
Boundaries are guidelines for one to relate the self to the rest of the world. They are the rules of conduct from a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Thus, the word boundary is something that defines you, where it is a preference not a fence.
A boundary is the imaginary line that uniquely defines your personal happiness, feelings, thoughts, integrity, desires and needs, and therefore most importantly your truth, from the rest of the universe.Teal Swan
Here are some signs that we have unhealthy boundaries based on Teal Swan’s book ‘The Anatomy of Loneliness’:
• Saying no when you mean yes or saying yes when you mean no.
• Feeling guilty when you do say no.
• Acting against your integrity or values in order to please others.
• Not speaking up when you have something to say.
• Adopting another person’s beliefs or ideas so you are accepted.
• Not calling out someone who mistreats you.
• Accepting physical touch or sex when you don’t want it.
• Allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate another person’s immediate wants or needs.
• Giving too much just to be perceived as useful.
• Becoming overly involved in someone’s problems or difficulties.
• Allowing people to say things to you or in front of you that make you uncomfortable.
• Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your relationships.
Remember: Your boundaries are defined by your feelings and your feelings will always tell you whether a boundary of yours has been violated, no matter what kind of boundary it is. When someone said something that has hurt you, one has emotionally violate your boundary.
What it is that you really need or really want?
Get in touch with your needs
If our needs were not met in childhood, they must be met in our adult life. Thus, why some events or situations seems to keep repeating.
Here is a self check list:
• Do I know what I really want?
• Do I let other people tell me what to think or believe and how to feel?
• Do I do things I don’t really want to do and say yes when I really want to say no or say no when I really want to say yes?
• Am I afraid to let people know how I really feel?
• Am I afraid of people thinking negatively of me?
Listen To Your Inner Voice
One, never listen to anybody, what they tell you to be. Always listen to your inner voice, what you would like to be; otherwise your whole life will be wasted. The guide exists within you, you carry the blueprint.OSHO
Why everybody looks so frustrated, is that nobody has listened to one’s own voice. Just close your eyes and listen to the inner voice. This is the first thing.
Start trusting yourself, that is the fundamental lesson, the first lesson. Start loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, who else is going to love you? But remember, if you only love yourself, your love will be very poor.
The moment you accept yourself you become open, you become vulnerable, you become receptive. The moment you accept yourself there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is.
If you reject yourself, you are basically rejecting the universe; if you reject yourself, you are rejecting existence.
If you accept yourself, you have accepted existence; then there is nothing else to do but to enjoy, to celebrate. There is no complaint left, there is no grudge; you feel grateful.OSHO
Don’t postpone life. Don’t wait for tomorrow, it never comes. Live it today!
Live in the Present
Always remain in the present because all falseness enters either from the past or from the future. That which has passed has passed. Don’t unnecessarily be bothered about the future, otherwise that will come into the present and destroy it. Be true to the present, and then you will be authentic. To be here now is to be authentic. No past, no future— this moment, all. This moment the whole eternity.
You have to live this moment as totally as possible because the next moment may not come ever. You may not be there; the other may not be there. Or you may both be there, but the relationship is not. All possibilities remain open. The future always remains open, the past is always closed. And in between the two is the present, a single moment of present, always trembling, shaking. But this is how life is. The shaking and the trembling are part of being alive—the hesitation, the cloudiness, the vagueness. The past is closed. Everything has happened, and now nothing can be changed, so everything is absolutely closed. The future is absolutely open, nothing can be predicted.
Life is a river, a flow, a continuum with no beginning and no end. It is not going somewhere, it is always here. It is not going from somewhere to somewhere else, it is always coming from here to here. The only time for life is now, and the only place is here. There is no struggle to reach, there is nothing to reach. There is no struggle to conquer, there is nothing to conquer. There is no effort to protect, because there is nothing to be protected from. Only life exists, alone, absolutely alone, beautiful in its aloneness, majestic in its aloneness. And when you are separated from life, you are like a tree that is separated from the earth. It may live a little of the past nourishment, but really it is dying. The tree needs roots; the tree needs to be in the earth, joined with it, part of it. You need to be joined with the continent of life, part of it, rooted in it. When you are rooted in life, you are soft because you are not afraid. Fear creates hardness. Fear creates the idea of security, fear creates the idea of protecting yourself. And nothing kills like fear because in the very idea of fear you are separated from the earth, uprooted. Then you live on the past—that is why you think so much of the past.
Love starts with self-love. Don’t be selfish but be self-full—and they are two different things.
Look at the tree for example. Each tree is selfish or rather self-full. It brings water to its roots, it brings juices to its branches, to the leaves, to the fruits, to the flowers. When it blossoms, it releases fragrance to everybody, to the known, unknown, familiar and stranger. When it is loaded with fruits, it shares, then it gives those fruits.
Life should be a dance. And everybody’s life can be a dance. It should be music—and then you can share; you will have to share. I don’t have to say it because this is one of the fundamental laws of existence: The more you share your bliss, the more it grows.OSHO
Next, we will dive deeper into intimacy with self and with others. Enjoy the ride.