Conscious Loving

Day 9 on ‘Conscious Loving’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From ‘Remembering’ Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

Is relationship a source of your greatest joy or the source of your greatest pain?

‘Conscious loving’ is something which I looked up to for a romance relationship or close relationships. Not knowing then that, I am love and I am conscious.

This is a sharing on co-creating a conscious loving experience with our loved ones, which can be in any relationships – be it lover, friends, or family.

“Although you appear in earthly form Your essence is pure Consciousness. You are the fearless guardian of Divine Light.”


My story: Introducing a book which gave me an idea on how to co-create co-commitment with someone. I identified co-dependency in me when I was involved in romance relationships. Where my coping mechanism and self protection mode is to highly tuned and adapt to people around me, with this ‘nice-girl syndrome’, I would do my best to be nice and accommodate, in another words, it is being inauthentic and with enmeshment traits.

PS: Based on MedicalNewsToday, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently.

The following sharing is based on my notes from Hendricks, Gay & Kathlyn’s book “Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment.”

The highlights of the book

Some of the important summary points which I deemed it is important to be aware of so we can transform the unconscious loving into a conscious loving: (It is best to read the book for full details)

  • Are you loving unconsciously or in a co dependence relationship? (“Co-dependence is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns.”)
  • Childhood trauma lead to adult dysfunction creating trust issues, authority issues, self esteem issues, long repressed feelings, sexual issues.
  • Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. It is made possible when two people deal with their sense of responsibility and integrity. Being alive to the full range of your feelings, speaking the truth at the deepest level of which you are capable, and learning to keep agreements.
  • A co-creative relationship is one in which two people access more of their creativity as a result of their loving interaction.
  • One example from Gay and Kate Hendricks’s interview on Goop:
    • Co-dependent: You have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings. If someone feels bad, you rush in to make it better because you think it’s your fault. You worry about other people’s feelings frequently.
    • Conscious: You are able to be present and attentive when people around you are feeling their emotions. You encourage them to feel their emotions deeply and to express those feelings openly.

“A close relationship is a powerful light force, and like any strong light it casts a large shadow. When you stand in the light of a close relationship, you must learn to deal with the shadow.”

Gay Hendrick

You have a choice

  • Here is the Choice point->
    • Person A: Inquire, take full responsibility, show the truth
    • Person B: withhold, withdraw, and project
  • The payoff->
    • Person A: Get closer, higher level of intimacy, open possibility and more creativity
    • Person B: When something came up, find ways to bury it and continues where relationship withers and dies

Unconscious deals & traps

  • The unconscious deals in relationships:
    • (1) Both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives.
    • (2) If you don’t change, I won’t either.
    • (3) Let’s focus on alcohol, food or drugs instead of solving our problems.
    • (4) If you do all the thinking, I will do all the feeling.
  • Relationships traps to take note on:
    • (1) Letting people get away with killing themselves: binge eating
    • (2) Seeking friends who support our self-destruction: alcoholism
    • (3) Replay parents’ dysfunctional relationship in own close relationship
  • Self check on the 9 traps of unconscious loving:
    Trap 1: “In my relationships I let people get away with destructive behavior.”
    Trap 2: “I form relationships with people who let me get away with destructive patterns.”
    Trap 3: “I am in a relationship that resembles my parents’ relationship.”
    Trap 4: “I form relationships with people whose personalities and behavior resemble that of one or both of my parents.”
    Trap 5: “Out of reaction to parental relationships, I create relationships that are the opposite of my parents’.”
    Trap 6: “Out of childhood trauma a pattern is generated, and I play out that pattern repeatedly in my relationships.”
    Trap 7: “I participate in continual conflict in my relationships, or I avoid conflict at all costs.”
    Trap 8: “With the possibility of success at hand, I mess up.”
    Trap 9: “Because I have never learned true independence, I create relationships in which I perpetuate dependence.”


  • The 6 core co-commitments for conscious loving:
    • Co-Commitment 1: I commit myself to being close, and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so.
    • Co-Commitment 2: I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.
    • Co-Commitment 3: I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself.
    • Co-Commitment 4: I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.
    • Co-Commitment 5: I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality.
    • Co-Commitment 6: I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
  • The 3 fundamentals requirement for co-commitments:
    • Fundamental Requirement 1: Feel All Your Feelings
    • Fundamental Requirement 2: Tell the Microscopic Truth
    • Fundamental Requirement 3: Keep Your Agreements
  • Co-Committed Communication Skills:
  • Make statements instead of asking questions
  • Say “I” instead of “You”
  • Don’t use negatives unless they are true
  • Empower instead of rescue

PS: The book shared different activities to practice wither with your loved ones or with yourself, kindly find out more and practice it.

“ Co-committed relationships can exist only between people who see each other for who they are, not distorted through the filters of past incompletions.”

Some other key notes

Learn to love yourself, learn to love your body, learn to feel, give yourself time, separate your feelings with your parents’, locate your feelings in the body, learn that you can feel without acting on your feelings and let yourself and others go through complete energy cycles.

Most importantly, love yourself, know and state what you want.

Let’s start envisioning a new world of intimacy, may we all transform nd enjoy conscious loving life!

Deep gratitude,


Published by Abbhya 阿比亚 Pan Vic Qi

One sharing and supporting unity consciousness

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