Welcoming September with a summary video of the past two months, where I spent more time outdoor, with my parents. If you want to see something green, yellow, and blue, watch the video below. =)
You will see fruits, vegetables, humans, dogs, worms, sun, rain and mountains.
All the essence of 2 months in 7 minutes 50 seconds.
“You can never control what another person does, or thinks, or how their life ends up. To do so will only make you tired, and them frustrated. Give them some space to breathe and let them take the wheel. Trust that they can handle themselves.”
Dear friends and family, thank you for giving me space to breathe and trust that I can handle myself.
Throughout these two months, two of the most significant moments were during the blue full moon in August 2021 & when my brother and his partner came home after months. During the August blue moon, I experienced 4 hours of meditation during midnight and it was so beautifully intense plus with a tired body, thus, it was memorable to me.
Meanwhile, my brother Joon came home with Yun Lu for 3 days and I really enjoyed their company. =)
The next memorable events were online sessions with Reconnect & Recharge communities – we meditate every Thursday, share on every Sunday & move bi-weekly on Sunday. Thus, I personally learn and grow a lot by hosting and strengthening connections with friends. Thank you for the opportunity!
Slowly but surely, I came to a deeper understanding of my unconscious repeated patterns and ever more inspired to take a different action this time. Truthfully, I aim to be authentic, honest and as transparent as I can. By leading as example with alternative lifestyle and as an initiator for transformation. I am just an instrument of life where nothing belongs to me-only, including my story, thus I openly share my life as an open book.
And, I think I am losing my personal Instagram account, still trying out. There were tons of memories and I wish I could keep them. The new public account is named: @abhya.aquie.
Oh oh, so during the online session I co-hosted on Reconnect & Recharge, in ‘Sunday Expression’, I get to experience poetry writing guided by Sydrah, thus, hereby sharing my work. Have a good read. =)
Poem ‘My Body’ by Vic Qi,
with Guided words by Sydrah
(PS: The Capital letter words are the must-insert words)
Dear body, It has been a while. Although I am your PILOT I am thankful that you REMAIN intact DISTRIBUTE million tasks every second.
Although I am aware of that, like how the backs feels like NEEDLE poking through. you are still supporting us as the pillar.
Although I have been lazy, feeling BALD and bored at times, you are still alive and well-functioning.
But I want you to know how much I RESPECT you as my vehicle in this world.
To experience beauty in life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.
Embracing both sides of the coin as one. =)
For Reflection By Matias de Stephano
You can choose to meditate and write down the answers to these questions to review for the last quarter of 2021:
Do I own my thoughts or do my thoughts control my life?
Are my life goals really mine? Where am I going, where do I want to go?
Am I consistent between what I think, say, feel and do?
Do I accept myself as I am and accept others as they are?
Are all the relationships I have with other people balanced? Do I have dependencies on them?
Do I have the willpower to do everything I propose?
Do I really live in my present? Do I hope to be someone different or am I a constant result of my past?
What is my relationship with my mother? With my father? To what extent do they control my life? What do I need to let go of them? What do I need to accept from them?
Am I the owner of my destiny? Take a step deciding to change something in you. Can you really take that step?
What Struck me the Most? These Words.
“You are children, lost in fantasies you’ve read in a book, pathetic little children running away from all your fears. You want to live in a fairy tale. You want to fly and you haven’t even learned to walk. Wake up, children! It’s time to grow up! Open your eyes and see the illusions you’ve been spinning.”
“You are gutless. You are without courage. You are cowards. You are lazy. You are a bunch of good-for-nothing space cadets who want to run away from your responsibilities as human beings. The Earth is calling to you and all you do is ignore her and run to the stars. Pathetic! Gutless! Cowards!”
Excerpt From: Ya’Acov Darling Khan. “Jaguar in the Body, Butterfly in the Heart.”
These words motivated me a lot, every time I read it.
Let the journey begin!
My Gratitude List
I am grateful for a warm, safe, beautiful homeland & shelter. I am grateful for my parents, 2 brothers, aunt Soo San, uncle Kwai Leong, Panda, Gary, cats, chickens, plants, herbs, trees, mountains and rivers. I am grateful for the food I have. I am grateful for the water, rain, sun and moon. Plus rainbow too. I am grateful for my body, organs, muscles, tissues, bones and all cells.+ fluids. I am grateful for my loved ones, dear sister Ca-Ryn, Zhi Ee, Dianna, Aces, Sydrah, Kheng, Kasturi, Darshini, Antares, Ravin, Sean, Cordelia, Elaine, Elina, Edward, Lisa, YanLing, Jennifer, Kavin, Christina, Sudy, Thomas, Chiron, Rei, Emerlyn, Gerald, Soon Lee, Ruey Chee, U Hong, and the R&R community. I am grateful for my neighbours and the trees + animals nearby. I am grateful for all kinds of opportunities to grow, expand and reflect. =)
My Wish For You & I
May all unacknowledged, unconscious, disowned shadow energies within my psyche be embraced and held in love. May all protective blocking forces within my ego preventing this process be held and upgraded in love.
Based on my last Kombucha Talk discussion with Ca-Ryn on Reconnect & Recharge, we discussed about Shadow work, thus, I revisited some related sharing by Matias de Stefano on Yosoy.red.
Here are some questions and answers based on Matias sharing which I resonated a lot, hope it serves you in giving new perspectives and tools to go through these journey. Take what you need, trust your inner voice. =)
Sun gives life so for billions of years, every cell in this world knows what happen in the day and night (12 hours of light & 12 hours of darkness) psychologically, during the day there is light, food, clarity, we feel safer, alert; while night, there is insecurity, predators can hunt us, temperature drops and lower our defences. Psychologically, the internal registers are activated, with the collective perception that the sun is going and moon is setting indicating something is not right, releasing all hidden things.
There are merely biologically factors of fear, like children we fear of night. But there is no war between light and shadow in the universe, it is a battle on Earth.
Both forces of Light and the shadows work uniquely together. Both are internal program of the mind. With all the repressed emotions due to repression, culture, religion, fears, shame, judgment, expectations, eclipses come to make us see these emotions to recognise as a fuel.
Our whole life, existence, have been seeking for light and escaping the darkness. From the first unicellular organism on the planet which emerged to the surface escaping the dark and cold oceanic to seek the heat of sun and carry out photosynthesis. From algae eating algae to trees looking for sunlight, mammals living during day time.
“The Light of the Sun becomes the symbol of the fight against darkness, and it is believed in the subconscious that it is at night where evil is found, the dark, what bothers me, the enemy. The antagonist of our adventure, which shows us our weaknesses.Thus, everything bad, what makes us weak, what we hate, what we do not accept or recognize both in others and in ourselves, are placed in the shadows.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
On emotional level, like our secret thoughts, desires, forbidden, what we do not like about ourselves, what we want to hide from others, what makes us weak, is placed in the shadows. Hidden from the light by the shame like a garbage dump where insects, bacteria, viruses, bugs grow. Just like how we treat our garbages, we just throw it away where we don’t want to see. Then, it pollutes the water, generates the greenhouse effect and then return to our lives and damaging us even more.
When on hate the dark, not accepting it, it is the irresponsibility of not knowing how to manage one’s own garbage and waste. If only we learned to reuse that energy by giving it a new purpose, maybe, garbage dumps can be resolved instantly. Like how we would compost our leftover food or fruits skin.
Due to the 12 hours of light and 12 of darkness, we have been assigning attributes to each based on experience. Generalization is an act of survival where we lived in such context.
They are summed up in one word- ‘irresponsibility’. When one blame a being or system for one’s own inability to manage them and trigger a response to conflict that is productive and transcendental to it, makes one irresponsible. When one believe that the evils in life is due to a demon or enemy is not being able to cope with the inner power that goes above all of it. Darkness is simply the absence of light, Light is the only one capable to causing a shadow.
“Shadow owes its birth to light.” — John Gay
“Because your eyes cannot see the distant light in the confines. Your ocular capacity is limited to the solar system in which you are, and star dust, gas clouds limit your vision, as well as the distance, which makes the radiation waves of light and energy are not perceptible.”
So everything is Light or absence of Light …
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
In short, they are the distorted light patterns, distorters of light.
Darkness is like the builders of realities, as the ants or bees which build their own world and do not hesitate to sting if one get in their way. What if humans are demons to the beings you call demons? It really depends on where you stand.
“When you see that the builders of realities are no more distorters of light in order to build their own worlds, in the same way that you cut down a tree to make a table, kill an animal or plant to eat, break one. mountain to build a house, you free yourself from the idea that there is a superior force that dominates you, because you realize that you do the same with other forces that you consider inferior. The darkness, which you call so vilely, is nothing more than another being trying to create its life, just like you. You are darkness, for you were born from the distortion of light. It is not spirituality, this is logic.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
Recognise that they rise from light, and it is a part of a natural system of evolution which can be recycled to improve my personal evolution.
“The struggle between light and darkness exists only in the human subconscious, which, when taken to the human unconscious, generates an eternal battle between the absurd concept of “good and bad”. No one is good or bad, there are only beings more distorted than others. But they are all light. When you can see the light in the darkest places, you will recognize the truth, that everything was only One.”
“So, the I is the darkness, and the I am is the light. The I is the distortion of light with all its colors and chakras and emotions, while the I am is the essential light that connects everything, that gives it meaning.”
“..it is not a question of following the light or the shadow, it is not a question of escaping, it is a question of knowing all the paths, of walking them without fear.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
“Recognizing that they are part of your light, of your path. That if you recycle them, they will be useful to you. Fears, desires, everything that is hidden within you, is power, is strength. Your weaknesses are what make you great, your mistakes are what make you wise, your desires are what drive you, your negative thoughts are what build your reality. Give them a purpose, write them down, speak them up, let them out. The road becomes heavier by carrying a garbage bag, which you can easily use to compost, harvest and thus nourish yourself. Darkness is that tool that you have at your disposal to find the path of light, because darkness is nothing more than light scattered over hundreds of paths.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
“Because our shadows are children with fear, children that we lock in a dark room, whom we mistreat. Our internal demons are emotions that for arising in our intestines and kidneys, we have denied as waste and treated without love, with disgust, when they are the ones who absorb the nutrients so that we can live. They just need a hug of unconditional love. Every enemy is a friend who has not received our love. Every illness is the reaction of a lack of attention. All conflict is the product of resistance to give and open up. All war is due to the lack of balance between all parties. Every demon is a frightened angel. All anger is a repressed child. All anger is the lack of a caress.All struggle is the lack of listening. There is no evil, because evil is born from the denial of good.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
Our body would cling to security due to survival – where cells seek to save energy to not die thus everything else is uncomfortable, painful and to be avoided as much as possible. Safety has nothing to do with being well. Change requires energy to break the structure thus makes us feel death. To transform requires a lot energy, thus, with less effort, the greater stability. It is boring and involutional. Evolution means to move around and advance. When it is still, there are no new perspectives, when the environment forces one to transform, and when one is not able to do so, he will die – involution.
The things we deny is simply us not knowing how to manage or handle it when they appear. Not having the tools to transcend them thus the mind, emotion and body is defensive in the face of something that is denied.
“Everyone wants to be happy, so everyone will deny anger, sadness, hatred, and all those emotions that cause us instability. However, when I deny that these emotions are part of me, when I refuse to accept them as part of my life, when I reject or separate them as if they were something other than love and happiness, or when I judge them, the only thing I am doing is giving them more strength.”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
“There are two types of denial. One is Deny because we don’t want it, and another is Deny because we don’t recognise it. The first type of Denial, that of “I don’t like it, I don’t want it”, what it does is give power to that factor, as with the virus. It’s like now with the Coronavirus, quarantine is not the solution, the solution was a good free and free public health service, more support in all scientific, medical and nursing fields, international laws on animal consumption and food science. The same with a personal conflict, denying the entire family history. Ignoring the causes means that we always have to react to the consequences.”
“And the Deny for not recognizing, say when someone tells you: “you are jealous”, and your immediate response is “no, I am not”, you are avoiding something fundamental, that the other for some reason has seen in you. The simple fact that it tells you, deserves a minimum analysis. Perhaps it is his reflection of the other in you, or perhaps it is his own truth. A mirror has reflected something to you that you must see. Maybe it’s just an easy-to-wash spot from your face, or maybe it’s something you’ve never noticed from going too fast and not looking closely. Every time they describe you in a way that you do not recognize in yourself, that you deny in your being, before saying No, ask yourself the question: “why?”
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
“Questioning is the key to learning. Stop fighting what I deny is the key to evolution. Don’t fight world governments, put your energy into building a new one. Do not fight against religion, simply learn to live in freedom from your “I am”. Don’t fight your family, create a new one. Don’t fight your emotions, just feel them and acknowledge them. All emotion is useful, and to deny it is to lose the ability to know how to use it.”
“The exercise of asking the question is difficult at first, like learning to ride a bicycle, but when the brain gets used to it and exercises, the whole process is done in a second. If I tell you now: “You are egocentric.” What would you say to me?”
“The next question would be: “Is that useful to you?””
Matias De Stefano ( Yosoy: I and Am)
As suggested in the blog:
Write down in your notebook the question
“What emotions and feelings do I deny about myself?”
That is, which ones I cannot recognize, and which ones I encounter in the struggle. Analyze, acknowledge, and start asking questions every time someone affirms something that you deny:
Plunge into the deep abyss of depression and try to survive in the realities that others created or
give myself a whole new meaning and create my own reality from that moment.
Well, it is up to you.
When I feel low, down, and heavy, I would go with the habits of addiction and compulsive behaviours, be it watching videos, binge eating or simply do anything to distract the self from going within. Why so?
I just don’t feel like it. Because of the overwhelming emotions, I took it all in without filter and just submerse in the unconscious cycle. Ignorance is bliss (?).
Until the whole body, emotional, and mental state were so foggy and cloudy. Then, I knew, I had enough of this. These were no fun, I don’t feel good and it doesn’t served me, it only prolong my process. That is when the determination kicks in. With a choice, to be consciously aligning my mind, emotion, and body.
Surrendering, listening to the inner voices again.
As if there is a reset button and it is pressed.
“I was born from the Earth, my body was gestated in its minerals, I am water, salt, carbon and oxygen. My body is the child of mud, and my spirit is the lotus that blooms in its muddy texture. I was born from the Earth, but I AM THE EARTH. ”
Matias De Stefano
Our consciousness, our spirit, our soul and our body are One on Earth, they are one with Earth, they are Earth. Do not be afraid to get muddy and bury yourself in this reality, that only leads us to return to being seeds in the mother’s womb, and REBORN!
There are many voices in the mind, in the mental field, to look for grounding, I go to the Earth, the garden, my barefoot touching the ground, connecting my roots to the core of the Earth. To look for clarity, I go to sit with the trees and plants, I would ask for purification as I breath deeply, clearing all fogs and clouds in the mind and body. To look for flexibility, I look up the sky for the ever changing clouds formation and weather, I see impermanence. To look for miracles, I look for birds, dogs, cats, chickens, butterflies, and dragonflies, I see the art of colours and movements.
As I listen, connecting to the Heart, I found my next step..
If I am not pulsing from consciousness, I will be driven from unconsciousness, where my heart will be triggered or reacted by the ideas and perceptions from the mind, from the past. When I align with the Mind of the Universe that creates all realities, I am the Universal Heartbeat. I am the cosmic pulse.
The Heart is essential to balance as..
“Love will set you free”
I leave it up to you to feel this message and to know from your Love what to connect with.
Gratitude & Celebration
A huge gratitude to Yosoy (I AM) related beings, especially to Matias de Stefano and Fundación Arsayian for the sharing blogs and alignments with task for the planetary shift in the past 370 days. Here’s a gratitude dance to the Sun, Moon, Sirius, Earth, Atlantis, Galactic Beings and Humanity. Celebrating new year of Atlantis (4th August 2021) & to the shift in Earth. With this Beautiful Music is credit to Canción YOSOY – Versión “Somos” by Fundación Arsayian.
“Tick… tock … tick … tock … it’s time .”
Let’s get ready, shall we? Welcoming the Seed of The World on 8/8.
It is a rather interesting time for us now. Are you surfing the waves or engulf by it? Do you feel like you have lost control or have you reclaim your power?
They say, it is our light, not our darkness that most frighten us.
Do we understand that ‘Light’ consists of both light and darkness?
Can’t you see that it is the polarity of both ends that created the movement, the energy of life?
Stop giving your power away and stop denying the dark-shadow side of ours. Start facing them and start owning what’s ours. It is time.
We are all meant to shine. Everyone of us.
We are both light & darkness. Feel it.
Here’s a short video where I recorded in June 2021, where a huge energy came by for me to express this..
A message from the dark side of me.
Click ‘CC’ for subtitle
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thoughts, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. —Rumi
Let’s go for a short and sweet post, on why is it important to know our truth and express it. Why is it not an easy path for most and a few gentle reminders I learned.
First, do you know your truth?
(A Note to self and note to those who feel resonate)
“Forget about living the catastrophes, or wishing to live the happy world many say. Everyone try to concentrate on why you have decided to be born for these days. We have been called to tear down the old walls and build the new foundations, but not to inhabit the house and this is the greatest honor that can be offered to us in life: You are the living builders of the New Age, the Age of Aquarius”
Matías De Stefano
Some points below are credited to the source: From The Ramala Centre. The Revelation of Ramala, pp122. & words of Matías De Stefano from Yosoy.red.
Why is it not easy to express our truth?
The habit of ignorance,
we don’t know what we don’t know,
we don’t question what was told,
the need to belong (to the mass),
difficult to flow against the stream (majority),
need to prepare for a solitary life,
may not be able to relate to friends with possibility of a smaller circle of friends,
might going to offend someone dear to us,
might be dislike by others etc.
It takes nothing to join the crowd.
It takes everything to stand alone.
Why must we express our truth?
Express the truth not for the sake of peace and quiet.
To tear down old walls and build new foundations.
It is the duty of evolved souls to be of service to their ‘less evolved’ brothers sisters whom have been taught and passed down from generation.
The basic lesson:
“Look within yourself,
for there is the Kingdom of Heaven.”
There is no absolute in the Universe, everything is relative.
Every truth is a truth itself, whether it resonates or not.
Do not look for immediate results.
Teach only those who are willing and came to us.
The audience might not seem to understand, or appear looking confused.
Although they may not understand but the seed will have been sown and it will begin to germinate in their own thought processes.
It doesn’t matter who sow it.
To have compassion towards all beings.
Do not worry if even in this lifetime you can see no tangible results for your efforts.
I am not trying to lead you toward me. I hope to lead you towards yourself. I hope to touch your life in such a way, that as I reach out to you and touch your soul, your heart illuminates the world around you with the Light of Your BEing.
Why share out loud?
I understood that Vic Qi (my name, personality, identity, body) is a tool, ephemeral. I am aware that we are merely an instrument through the Wisdom flows from Above.
“You were the producer of this life, the director of your acts, the scriptwriter of your story. Your eyes are the cameras that show your way, your imagination is the direction of photography. Your body is the costume art that covers the actor that lies in your personality. You are the editor of your reality, the art director that manifests the scenery, you are the creative that proposes new narrative or image routes, the writer of your own destiny. So don’t be afraid to act in your own movie. “
When you have an awakening of consciousness and you realized that you are everything. Thus, enjoy the co-creation of life. For you are the creator of your own reality. In short, everything is possible.
PS: The Oracle dialogue … do you remember?
When the Oracle offers Neo a candy and he asks her: “Do you know if I’m going to grab it?”, And she replies: “I wouldn’t be an Oracle if I didn’t know …”, then Neo questions: ” But if you already know, how can I make a choice? ”, And the Oracle says:“ Because you did not come to make a choice; you already took it. You are here trying to understand why you took it. “
I have been out of the blog since May until June as I went out of my nest (hometown) to the city (Kuala Lumpur) for human connection and exchange with new experiences. With the intention of finding inspiration and opportunities to learn and share with others. Thus, most of my attention are outward towards the people I was with and constantly making new connections. A part of me felt sorry and guilty for not being able to update the blog post and sharing here. Also, some of my learnings were affected. I would say a huge turn in my routine daily.
Yet, I am thankful to know that You have been reading the posts and appreciating it. Thank you for letting me know! =)
Why leaving the comfort zone?
Because I had the chance to co-create one offline experience via Reconnect & Recharge with our invited guest facilitator: Sean Ching Cheang and our guest participants, I took 2 bags of luggage with faith and trust to hop on the train to the city. It has been a year I have not stepped in the heart of the city, thus, it was a bit of a new norm adjustment when I arrived the central hub of transportation where there were no more busy crowds and noises, only a few of us hosting the space with the loud advertisement on food delivery services.
Hereby, I decided to tell the story with video and pictures below with 5 key new experiences, plus a summary of my lessons learned. This (almost) 2 months journey ended with a twist, plus I did not plan for a return date, somehow this twist brought me back home. It took me many hours to gather, edit, and structure the video and photos, I would appreciate your time checking them out. If only you are keen.
Much Gratitude to my friends and family who gave me the opportunities to experience the stay in different locations! The packing is something I am learning to enjoy, the rest, I truly enjoyed every moment. What’s the perks of experiencing different locations? Human interactions plus being able to stay in the story of the space they have created. And exploring the neighborhood, then I discovered, we are all humans. Having the same need for belongingness and safety. That’s what home is for us. At the end, I rented a space and that’s the twist of the story. Keep reading.
2nd: Staying + Cooking with friends & Time With Self
They say food connects people, and it is so true. It is when we cook and eat together, we bond with each other. We share stories, thoughts and ideas. I truly enjoy the moments where we had a few heart-to-heart honest conversations after the meals. I enjoyed where we share good food together. I enjoy my friends’ cooking skills. Thank you friends for the food sharing and moments of togetherness! And, when I stay alone, I get to cook for myself, got what I really love – kefir, kombucha, blueberries, vege lasagna, mushrooms. I also get to experience food delivery, which is so new to me. XD
This is where I started to appreciate a lot. Online connection. When I was staying alone, it is with the online experiences and connection with friends and family where I know I am not alone alone. I don’t think I am ever alone but with online presence, I am glad to be connected. So, I am out of my mind, for a moment. I truly enjoy co-creating experiences and space for people to be themselves, so thank you dear friends, family, Reconnect & Recharge communities for allowing me to do so. =)
4th: Offline Experiences & Connection
These moments were deeply treasured in my heart where we get to meet face-to-face, get to listen and communicate directly, get to touch and hug each other. Being able to spend time with these beautiful beings, ahhh.. that is one perks of being alive isn’t? Just look at the genuine smile. =) Even though nature is not easily available as my hometown, but, exercise is still allowed, so I enjoy all the moments where I walked around the neighborhood. It felt really good! And, I love the 2 times of visitation to the Fusion Longhouse in Kuala Kubu Bahru, thank you papa Antares and the Magick River!
5th: First Experience on Dating Apps + Friendships (BFF Mode)
My first experience on dating apps- after listening to some stories, I got curious and figured, why not? So, I experienced Tinder app for about a week. I experienced Coffee Meet Bagels for 2 weeks or so, and the last app that I am still using now is Bumble. Which I have switched to ‘BFF mode’ for some time now, making friends with the ladies, and I preferred it this way. I appreciate Bumble, I made new friends, but for now, only for friendships. PS: I do have one special connection here, let’s see. 😉
Here is the twist and why I decided to return home. With the emotional stress, the food I ate plus the triggers from the environment I stayed, I got bitten by little bugs and then hives breakout throughout my whole body to my face and scalps. So.. for emotional safety and healing purposes, I decided to return home. I experienced 3 days of itchiness from the legs and after one hell of a night for the hives breakout, that’s it. I called an end to the journey. Or rather, a pause for realignment.
I am so grateful for my beloved Ca-Ryn who constantly checked out on me, and asked help from Sundar who did a Pranic Healing session for me to reduce the itchiness so I could return home without much fuss. Thank you Ruey Chee for the help and friends family who checked me up. Thank you Shay for the cooling powder and gave me tip to use ice to cool them down. There were moments I thought of just surrendering because the itch was really something. Thus, the need for reflection. I cancelled my reservation of the stay and thankful to be welcome home by my parents.
*Special Beware Note on the pictures below*
Back Home For Healing & Reflection
Being home, I am back to the garden, spending time with my aunt’s dogs – Panda & Gary, sitting and laying on the grass, all of these have been my healing buddies. Thank you , thank you , thank you! I am recovering and all is well. =)
My 10 Lessons Learned In Sum
1. Listen and attend to my emotional needs (always prioritise). 2. Ask for help whenever it’s needed (and give help whenever you can). 3. Boundaries are needed and it’s okay to disconnect for a while. 4. Always appreciate life as it’s only one day to live! 5. It feels good to be healthy physically, emotionally and mentally. 6. I’m supported by many beings! (Huge huge gratitude to Ca-Ryn) 7. It’s okay to not be okay and to let others know about it. XD 8. I learned how emotions and thoughts can influenced me a lot when I don’t know how to handle it. 9. Some People can’t really fulfil my emotional needs and it can’t be helped as everyone has their own shit to deal with- so I learn to shift focus and expectations on others to self. 10. Always Be grateful for all the things in life! 🌹
Thank you for watching and reading dear one! Take good care of yourself! =)
How emotions are linked to our craving for certain texture and taste in food:
Crunchy foods: Anger – Crunchy foods helps to express our anger in a safe way where we don’t have to deal with people or circumstances that causes us to be angry.
Salty foods: Fear – Salty foods indicate when we want to have more “spice” in our lives but are too scared to take the risk.
High-gluten or wheat products: Comfort and safety – It gives us the comfort and safety we need in a threatening way.
Sugar: Excitement – Sugar provides excitement for us when we can’t provide it ourselves; sugar is a substitute playmate if we are unable to allow someone else to share joy with us.
Dairy (milk, ice cream, fatty cheese): Love – As milk represent the unconditional love we received or supposed to be received, from mother during infancy. We crave for dairy products when we desire unconditional love and protection that we can’t find in daily life.
Chocolate: Sexual drive – Eating chocolate is a safe way to feel sensual when our life is lack of romance which is also a substitute for sex and physical love we need but too afraid to obtain.
Alcohol: Acceptance – Alcohol can provide the illusion of self acceptance and protect for the perceived dangers of intimacy. The sugar in alcohol served as a substitute for excitement and the corn in alcohol buffer the feelings of failure, and grain alcohol give us the warm feelings we might find it lack in our relationships.
Corn: Success – Eating corn products can temporarily imburse our feelings with a sense of professional successes and cushion us from deep-seated feelings of insecurity and failure.
Fatty foods: Shame – Fatty foods hide our internal shame so we are protected from other people or perceived dangers.
[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]
“If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.”
We are social animals as we are wired together. The key to existence and creation is the organisation of atoms, molecules, tissues, organisms, organs, bodies and living beings group together interacting in the networks of dependency in which they all depend on each other.
Here are some of the interesting findings from the books I read on social and human connection.
The following sharing is excerpt from Marissa King’s book “Social Chemistry: Decoding the Patterns of Human Connection.”
Social Intelligence is a set of interpersonal competencies that influence your ability to get along with others and successfully navigate social interactions. Just like shyness and cognitive intelligence, it can be viewed as either fixed or flexible.
As Daniel Goleman, the author of a book by that name, wrote:
“The ingredients of social intelligence I propose here can be organized into two broad categories: social awareness, what we sense about others—and social facility, what we then do with that awareness.”
For those who hold a fixed mindset about social intelligence makes people less likely to engage socially because one perceived limited return. But, note that, social intelligence is not fixed.
Reciprocity in Relationships
“Givers are able to develop and leverage extraordinarily rich networks. By virtue of the way they interact with other people in their networks, givers create norms that favor adding rather than claiming or trading value, expanding the pie for all involved.”
Adam Grant’s book Give and Take
Reciprocity is the currency of social exchange that build the foundation of social relationships. Giving is a good strategy in the long term as it leads to create a greater value and reciprocity within the network. In short term, giving overcomes resistance to building a network as it invokes positive moral sentiment.
“You always have something to give,
everyone has something to give. ”
Do you know, the magic number 150 is the number of stable contacts we can maintain? It is known as Dunbar’s number. Dunbar put it, it’s “the number of people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar.
Our innermost circle is about 2 to 5 people where we can go to when we face emotional and financial distress. Dunbar called the next group as our sympathy group which re about 15 people we are close to, where we get in touch in monthly basis. Expanding to a circle of close friends which bout 50 people we can invite them to a barbecue but wouldn’t share our innermost secret. Beyond that is the Dunbar’s number of 150 casual friends or contacts where the sense of reciprocity ends. Multiply by 3, we will have about 450 to 600 acquaintances of people we have seen in the past years but do not regularly keep in touch with. Then the outermost edge are the 1,500 people we recognize them by sight.
Social Media Network
We can have up to thousands friends on social media, but people who have larger social media networks do not have larger offline networks, and they do not feel emotionally closer to the people in the network.
Social media hasn’t expanded the number of friends we have or made us feel closer to them. It has simply changed our ability to keep track of the outermost layer of former acquaintances.
The perks of social media is that it offers us a way to reach our college roommates or best friends from high school, especially those who are far edges of our networks.
Limited Size of Networks
The size of our networks is limited due to our cognitive and emotional capacity plus our time devoting to relationships. When we invested time and energy in our innermost circle, we have lesser time for casual friends. If we spend more time to catch up with acquaintances, we may find it harder to develop a strong sympathy group.
Today we have less time for relationships than it seems our parents had.
Friends & Acquaintances
The difference between friends and acquaintances lies on the tie strength. Closest friends with strong ties ;while acquaintances with weak ties.
A recent study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas found that it takes around fifty hours altogether to go from acquaintances to casual friends. An additional forty hours is necessary to become “real” friends. To become close friends likely takes more than two hundred hours. Yet simply investing more time in a relationship won’t necessarily transform an acquaintance into a friend, supporter, or ally.
Why our co-workers where we get to see almost everyday for years are more of acquaintances than friends is because we have not disclose much about yourself to them or each other. That’s why most of our Facebook friends aren’t really our friends.
The images we present on social media and the thinness of the medium make it nearly impossible to transform repeated interactions into stronger ties.
With strong ties infused of intimacy and affection, it provides emotional support to increase overall well being. Even when our casual acquaintances are not playing a big role in behavioural changes, the weak ties are likely to give us great idea or business opportunities with new initiatives.
Fear of Strangers
Thought fear of strangers is common, as social animals, we are wired to be accepted. Thus, the fear of not being accepted is heightened when we interact with strangers, leading to the core of social anxiety.
Over the course of a lifetime, 13 percent of people will suffer from clinically diagnosable social anxiety. This makes it the third largest mental health problem. Even if it doesn’t reach clinical levels, almost all of us experience social anxiety at some point.
Without Face to Face Interactions
Our emotional attachment to friends and family will quickly deteriorates without face to face interaction. After 2 months without in-person meet ups, the feeling of closeness between family member is said to drop by more than 30%. So as for friendships’ intimacy level. After 150 days without seeing each other, the friends’ feelings of closeness dropped by 80%.
The following sharing is excerpt from John T. Cacioppo’s book “Loneliness.”
“A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and along these fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”
The Influence on Each Other
Do you know that if our close ones seems to put on weight, it makes us easier to accept our own excess weight?
When everyone else looks heavier, our own fuller image in the mirror is less troubling and so when our circle is ‘expanding’, we are less likely to criticise each other.
People must belong to a tribe,” E. O. Wilson tells us;
“they yearn to have a purpose larger than themselves.”
Thus, social isolation deprives us of our feeling in the sense of tribal connection and our sense of purpose.
What drives connection comes from the analogy of the use of carrot and stick. Where the warmth of connection is the carrot while the pain of feeling isolated, loneliness, is the stick.
Lifelong Balancing Act Between Self & Other
Deep within our programming in our DNA, every level of ours is a constant balancing act between the self and the other. This is a lifelong challenge with the reconciliation of the split between self and other, with the desire for autonomy against the desire for calm assurance of intimate connection.
Thus, self regulation plays an important role.
Hereby closing the last day on Relationships chapter.
Thank you for being here and may you enjoy relationships with enriching experiences in life.
[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]
Is relationship a source of your greatest joy or the source of your greatest pain?
‘Conscious loving’ is something which I looked up to for a romance relationship or close relationships. Not knowing then that, I am love and I am conscious.
This is a sharing on co-creating a conscious loving experience with our loved ones, which can be in any relationships – be it lover, friends, or family.
“Although you appear in earthly form Your essence is pure Consciousness. You are the fearless guardian of Divine Light.”
My story: Introducing a book which gave me an idea on how to co-create co-commitment with someone. I identified co-dependency in me when I was involved in romance relationships. Where my coping mechanism and self protection mode is to highly tuned and adapt to people around me, with this ‘nice-girl syndrome’, I would do my best to be nice and accommodate, in another words, it is being inauthentic and with enmeshment traits.
PS: Based on MedicalNewsToday, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently.
The following sharing is based on my notes from Hendricks, Gay & Kathlyn’s book “Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment.”
The highlights of the book
Some of the important summary points which I deemed it is important to be aware of so we can transform the unconscious loving into a conscious loving: (It is best to read the book for full details)
Are you loving unconsciously or in a co dependence relationship? (“Co-dependence is an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns.”)
Childhood trauma lead to adult dysfunction creating trust issues, authority issues, self esteem issues, long repressed feelings, sexual issues.
Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. It is made possible when two people deal with their sense of responsibility and integrity. Being alive to the full range of your feelings, speaking the truth at the deepest level of which you are capable, and learning to keep agreements.
A co-creative relationship is one in which two people access more of their creativity as a result of their loving interaction.
One example from Gay and Kate Hendricks’s interview on Goop:
Co-dependent:You have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings. If someone feels bad, you rush in to make it better because you think it’s your fault. You worry about other people’s feelings frequently.
Conscious:You are able to be present and attentive when people around you are feeling their emotions. You encourage them to feel their emotions deeply and to express those feelings openly.
“A close relationship is a powerful light force, and like any strong light it casts a large shadow. When you stand in the light of a close relationship, you must learn to deal with the shadow.”
You have a choice
Here is the Choice point->
Person A: Inquire, take full responsibility, show the truth
Person B: withhold, withdraw, and project
Person A: Get closer, higher level of intimacy, open possibility and more creativity
Person B: When something came up, find ways to bury it and continues where relationship withers and dies
Unconscious deals & traps
The unconscious deals in relationships:
(1) Both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives.
(2) If you don’t change, I won’t either.
(3) Let’s focus on alcohol, food or drugs instead of solving our problems.
(4) If you do all the thinking, I will do all the feeling.
Relationships traps to take note on:
(1) Letting people get away with killing themselves: binge eating
(2) Seeking friends who support our self-destruction: alcoholism
(3) Replay parents’ dysfunctional relationship in own close relationship
Self check on the 9 traps of unconscious loving: Trap 1: “In my relationships I let people get away with destructive behavior.” Trap 2: “I form relationships with people who let me get away with destructive patterns.” Trap 3: “I am in a relationship that resembles my parents’ relationship.” Trap 4: “I form relationships with people whose personalities and behavior resemble that of one or both of my parents.” Trap 5: “Out of reaction to parental relationships, I create relationships that are the opposite of my parents’.” Trap 6: “Out of childhood trauma a pattern is generated, and I play out that pattern repeatedly in my relationships.” Trap 7: “I participate in continual conflict in my relationships, or I avoid conflict at all costs.” Trap 8: “With the possibility of success at hand, I mess up.” Trap 9: “Because I have never learned true independence, I create relationships in which I perpetuate dependence.”
The 6 core co-commitments for conscious loving:
Co-Commitment 1: I commit myself to being close, and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so.
Co-Commitment 2: I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.
Co-Commitment 3: I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself.
Co-Commitment 4: I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.
Co-Commitment 5: I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality.
Co-Commitment 6: I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
The 3 fundamentals requirement for co-commitments:
Fundamental Requirement 1: Feel All Your Feelings
Fundamental Requirement 2: Tell the Microscopic Truth
Fundamental Requirement 3: Keep Your Agreements
Co-Committed Communication Skills:
Make statements instead of asking questions
Say “I” instead of “You”
Don’t use negatives unless they are true
Empower instead of rescue
PS: The book shared different activities to practice wither with your loved ones or with yourself, kindly find out more and practice it.
“ Co-committed relationships can exist only between people who see each other for who they are, not distorted through the filters of past incompletions.”
Some other key notes
Learn to love yourself, learn to love your body, learn to feel, give yourself time, separate your feelings with your parents’, locate your feelings in the body, learn that you can feel without acting on your feelings and let yourself and others go through complete energy cycles.
Most importantly, love yourself, know and state what you want.
Let’s start envisioning a new world of intimacy, may we all transform nd enjoy conscious loving life!