Soul Family & Soul Group

Day 8 on ‘Soul Family & Soul Group’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

After watching a video from Gaia this morning on ‘Ask THEO Live: The Soul Family with Sheila and Marcus Gillette’ (from ‘Open Minds’ with Regina Meredith). This reminded me of the terms – soul group and soul family. Thus, this post will look at the aspects of these two terms.

Watch the video here, where you need to subscribe an account in Gaia, which I highly recommended, it has all the aspects of spiritual discoveries and development here. You may find out more about THEO here: AskTHEO.

“We all have a soul family, the ones that ignite and support our truth. They feed something in us we weren’t aware we needed before them. They’ll make you face yourself and become raw and authentic. You’ll roam but never too far from eachother for the invisible thread of connectedness; once opened can never be locked. They are the ones who will see you through all the important days of your life no matter what tributes and trials you face. They’ll just be there, in presence, in synchronicity or in spirit.”

Nikki Rowe

How would you define family?

There is genetic family which we are very familiar with, then, there is soul family. Genetic family is related by genes and blood passed from one generation to another.

Meanwhile, soul family is said to be related with our origin star race.

Soul group relates to the Earth-bound collective souls which we spend majority of our incarnations with.

Mysenseofsoul described the difference between soul group and soul family is where soul group is our classmates where soul family is from a deeper root.

The purposes

Based on my personal understanding on genetic family, soul group and soul family, all has different purposes but lead to the same path, which is unity- oneness. Genetic family might not be the one who match your vibration or speak your language, but they are here to prepare us as part of our highest learning in life.

PS: Our parents or genetic family members might not always be in our ‘soul family’.

On the other hand, soul family and soul group would comprise of a person or a group of people where our soul is energetically resonates with, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually at any given moment.

All parties are here to help each other learn, grow, and experience, either in resonance or dissonance. Then, it is a choice for you to decide how you would like to grow and the speed of growth.

“Some people will hear you louder in silence. Those are your tribe – they’ll get you through the tough days and give you something to laugh about on the ride.”

Nikki Rowe

We would call our soul group or soul family as our tribe as they share an intense strong bond with us which is beyond time and space, almost sharing the same vibration and frequency. It can be in many forms, some commonly known as soul mates, twin flames, but each has its unique purposes.

Some believed that we make soul contracts with our soul family to return for a specific purpose.


“Past life therapist have uncovered that under hypnosis a common reflection of their clients is that after they’ve passed from one life that they are waiting for there soul family in between lives to return to life once again, perhaps even taking on different roles and even genders to assist and support in the purpose of one another’s soul purpose.”

Mysenseofsoul.com

Explore perspectives

Find out more as there are tons of perspectives out there on soul mates, twin flames and soul family. Here are some videos I have watched which gave me different point of views on the subject. Remember, perspectives.

Metaphorically speaking, what we call soul families, are just rivers that have projected forth from the ocean (streams of consciousness that have projected forth from unified consciousness) and what we call individual souls that experience a specific reincarnation path, are just creeks that have projected forth from a particular stream. Now, interestingly enough, these creeks can project forth into the physical as multiple beings at one time. Your soul could in essence be incarnated here on earth as multiple individuals, both human and non-human. And much of the time, if one aspect of you ran into another aspect of you, you would have no conscious awareness of it.

Teal Swan

From Teal Swan: For the start

From Matt Kahn: I find this really interesting

One important thing I learned is, many of us intend to unite with one another, no matter who you would love to find or to attract- be it soul mate, twin flame or soul family; first, find yourself.

When we put ourselves as the priority, to shine our light and love from within, we are one step closer to discover our tribe or counterpart.

My personal learnings

In terms of genetic family, I have desire to raise their vibration or to see and understand my perspectives or life, but I am learning to accept them for who they are, in the current state. With trust, I can only show and lead by example. At times, I have to physically be apart because what my soul desired is something unique which I have to do it alone. With them as a part of me, wherever I am, I appreciate all my growth and learnings from the family. Thus, with less attachment and full acceptance, I am fulfilling my soul’s mission.

In terms of soul group and soul family, I have been searching and I have my soul tribe. I had experienced doubting if I have encounter my twin flame, going through self-perceived ‘dark night of the soul’. And, now, completely surrendering the search to focus on my own development. One thing I know for sure, whenever I am, my soul tribe is there.

May you be and go where you are celebrated, when you meet one, you will know.

“Go find yourself first so you can find me.”

Rumi

Enjoying,

Abhya

Family & Ancestors

Day 7 on ‘Family & Ancestors’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio. PS: There is no guided alignment at the end due to thunderstorm, highly recommended to set intention to connect to your ancestors for 9 minutes]

“Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.”

Carl Jung

Have you ever consider, that some sources of your problem is not from your own life experience?

Do you ever question that these might come from your family consciousness or ancestors lineage?

Let’s look into this interesting topic on what I have learned, with the intention to broaden our point of view on our family ancestral lineage.

My story: I always thought that I am a black sheep of the family, feeling like I am abnormal, thus there are some sense of separation. Until few months back, I learned more of the family constellation, it has liberated me from the weight I carried on my family. Realising I am not an outcast, but, I am a part of my ancestors lineage, a sense of belonging reconciled. Starting to honour my unborn sibling before me by giving him a name and validate his existence. (somehow I felt it is a ‘him’)

Connecting to our ancestors

[For your information: Bert Hellinger is the founder who formed the basis of Family Constellation.]

Hellinger observed when someone is rejected or left out of the family system, this person can be represented by a later member of the system. Which the later person might share or repeat the earlier person’s fate with similar behaviour or repeat some of the aspects of the rejected family member.

It is called entanglement, when entangled, we unconsciously carry the feelings, symptoms, behaviours or hardships of the earlier member of our family system as if these were our own. For children born from the same home of similar upbringing can inherit different traumas and experience different fates.

PS: Based on GoodTherapy.org, Family Constellations is an approach for revealing the hidden dynamics in a family so that they can be worked with and healed.

Below are the key learning points excerpt from Mark Wolynn’s book “It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle.”

Ever wonder why do we seem to repeat certain experiences?

Unconsciously, we could find ourselves repeating to reach to certain people, events, or situation in old or familiar ways that echo the past. It is called the repetition compulsion or traumatic reenactment, stored in our unconscious. When we are not conscious about it, it seems to be fated, until we bring them into the light of awareness.

Pain sometimes submerges until it can find a pathway for expression or resolution, which is found in the generations.

Before we were born & Connection with our parents

Consider this, the history you share with your family begins before you are even conceived, since the earliest biological form, you already share a cellular environment with your mother and grandmother. It is said that before your mother was born, your mother, your grandmother and you were all in the same body. The 3 generations sharing the same biological environment.

The precursor cells of the sperm you developed from were present in your father when he was a fetus in his mother’s womb. Because your father’s sperm continues to develop throughout adolescence and adulthood, thus his sperm continues to be susceptible to traumatic imprints almost up until the point you are conceived. These are from the emerging research studies.

We know that when we were in the womb of our mother, our genetic expression is altered based on our mother’s emotions. If one mother constantly experienced repetitive emotions like fear or anger, it is a way of ‘pre-programming’ the child to adapt to its environment. “From conception, our experience in the womb shapes our brain and created the groundwork for personality, emotional temperament and the power of higher thought,” said Thomas Verny.

Now, this life force doesn’t stop even if one feel disconnected from them. When our connection to our parents flow freely, we would experience ourselves more open to receiving what life brings our way. When our connection to our parents is disconnected, the life force available to us can feel limited too.

Thus, our connection to parents is important.

Self reflection:

Imagine our parents are standing in front of you, then ask yourself:

Do I welcome them or do I shut them out? Do I sense them as welcoming me? Do I experience one differently from the other? Is my body relax or tight as I visualize them? How much is a life force flowing from them to me? (0% to 100%)

Be aware of the 4 unconscious theme that interrupt the flow of life:
1. We have merged with a parent by unconsciously take on their pain.
2. We have rejected a parent.
3. We have experienced a break in the early bond with our mother.
4. We have identified with a member of our family system other than our parents.

Many of the problems we experience in a relationship might not originate from the relationship itself, they stem from dynamics which existed from our families long before we were even born.

Self reflection:

Does my relationship mirror a pattern in my family history?

Below are the key learning points excerpt from Francesca Mason Boring’s book “Connecting to Our Ancestral Past.”

Our shared ancestors as a tribe

We were all original from tribal, deep in our DNA, our family field with our indigenous knowing, we remember these fierce loyalties of the certainty of the bonds. Until modern days, we are in a kind of spiritual forgetfulness.

What is a family constellation?

Family constellation integrate the knowing fields of the indigenous with Western practices. The process release the dead and the pain of generations long past with combination of several methodologies.

In a constellation, people re-member the connections of them and their members, be it parents, siblings, partners. They become strengthened by the gifts of their ancestors and learn to separate themselves and the traumas plus limitations of their ancestors.

The ‘Re-member’ term is known in the constellation work to bring back the forgotten or excluded members into the family system through remembering the isolation of their trauma and the impact of their transgenerational pain on a family or descendent.

“One simple prayer is:

“Allow me to be present with clean hands and a clean heart.”

Below are the key learning points excerpt from Dr. Steven D. Farmer’s book “Healing Ancestral Karma.”

Honouring ancestors

In many cultures, both modern and primitive, has paid great attention to the ancestral family. Yet, people tend to forget their ancestors thinking that they are isolated and that one’s destiny is in own’s hands. When we know that we have inherited certain characteristics from our ancestors which affect our lives today, we are opening ourselves to allow ancestors to guide us, protect us and help us heal.

It works both ways, not only our ancestors help us, in turn, we are helping them too, for any unhealed emotional, mental and physical wounds in their lifetime.

Our lineage: Connections before us

“Your number of ancestors doubles every generation, starting with your parents. Ten generations ago you’ll find 1,024 directly related ancestors.

If you go back twenty generations ago, you’ll discover you have 1,048,576 ancestors in your lineage!

In fact, if we were to go back far enough we’d find we all share a common ancestral lineage.”

Cultures & Traditions

In the Chinese traditions, the culture believed that the ancestors will look after the family in the afterlife, how ancestors influence the fortunes and wisdoms. In turn, we pay homage to the ancestors, first from the funeral of the deceased where we burned the used items of the deceased and the spirit money, then created an altar with picture of the ancestor to honor with flowers or food and incense. There are special festivals like Ghost Festival or Tomb Sweeping Day where we visit the tomb or altar to honor our ancestors.

While in African traditions, ancestors are honoured through prayers, offerings, and sacrifices. The ancestors are seen to be the caretakers of the family and community customs and moral codes, when there is a misalignment, the ancestors can create difficulties or illness. The ancestors are also seen to be able to punish or support the living ones.

Gretchen Crilly McKay was initiated as a traditional African healer called a sangoma, or African shaman. In a personal interview she shared the following:
“When you were having a problem, you would go see the local sangoma and he would contact the ancestors and determine the source of the problem by throwing the bones [an ancient tool for divination]. I recall where a friend’s son was taken ill and they took him to see the sangoma. He threw the bones and determined from the ancestors that gathered in the ritual that the boy had the wrong name! So, the boy given another name and immediately the illness lifted.”

In Hawaiian traditions, the indigenous Hawaiians were intimately tied to each other, their ancestors and the land. One writer shared, “the most important ancestor for all Hawaiians is the land itself.” Hawaiians see themselves as one with the natural world and recognize their ancestral lineage is intimately related to everything in the world.

A Course in Miracles tells us

“When I am healed I am not healed alone” (Lesson 137).

Deepen connection with ancestors

When we deepen our relationship with our ancestors, it will enrich our life where we benefit from ancestors’ wisdom and guidance, for their desire to help us as their descendants.

“When we illuminate the road back to our ancestors, they have a way of reaching out, of manifesting themselves… sometimes even physically.”

Raquel Cepeda, Bird of Paradise

The book mentioned there are 4 things our ancestors need from us: acknowledgement, validation, understanding, and forgiveness. Once we are able to provide these, they will seek to help us in many ways as spiritual guides and teachers.

Self reflection:

Reviewing your deceased loved ones, to whom do you feel most connected? Are there any ancestors you have unfinished business with? What blessings or gifts have you received from any of your ancestors?

Worth to take note: The 3 types of ancestors
1. Biological ancestors of our lineage
2. Territorial ancestors where we inhabits in a particular geographical area
3. Spiritual ancestors for humans who have come before us and walked on this Earth where you feel a strong pull to another land and culture other than the one you were born

I encourage you to do your own research or read the books for more details and guidance or attend the family constellations near you.

What can we do to deepen the connection?

Here are some possible ways which you can dive deeper yourself, where I will experience it myself too, then I will share it.

  • Heal Thyself First (Focus on your personal healing first)
  • Forgive yourself
  • Draw your Family Tree
  • Set a Family Altar
  • Try Automatic writing
  • Send Energy Healing to your Family Tree
  • Forgive your ancestors

There are many ways to do this, so find what suits you.

May we acknowledge and honour our ancestors by validating their background and pain.

May you be aware that your ancestors love you.

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Looking at my palm,

Abhya

Dive Deeper Into Intimacy

Day 6 on ‘Dive Deeper Into Intimacy’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

“The truth is we human cannot thrive alone. We desperately want to belong to each other and the highest truth of all is that in a universe where oneness is the highest truth of all, there is nothing in this universe that we don’t belong with and there is nothing in existence that doesn’t belong with us.”

Teal Swan

Let’s dive deeper into into-me-see where we explore different aspects of intimacy, how we can have intimacy with others with some techniques we can apply in life.

First, understand that there are 4 aspects of intimacy: physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.

The 4 aspects are excerpt From: Matthew Kelly. “The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved.”

Physical Intimacy

It begins with a handshake, a smile, or a kiss on the cheek. All our relationship have a physical aspect. Even in a relationship that is completely confined to the telephone or to cyberspace, you are still experiencing the other person through your senses either speaking and listening or sitting, typing, and reading. Our physical bodies is how we experience everything in life.

Emotional Intimacy

“Emotional intimacy is much harder to achieve than physical intimacy. It requires a humility and vulnerability that most of us are simply not comfortable with at first. Even in the best relationship, with the most genuine person, it takes time for us to be convinced that it is safe to let our guard down. And if we have been hurt or betrayed in the past, it may take longer.”

“In the emotional realm, intimacy with self and others is driven by observation—self-observation, in the first place, knowing how certain people, situations, circumstances, and opportunities make you feel; observation of others, in the second place, opening your eyes, ears, and heart to how people respond to you.”

Intellectual Intimacy

“Like emotional intimacy, it takes longer to establish than physical intimacy does. The creation of intellectual intimacy requires both a variety of experiences and a number of experiences. It is established through conversation, by experiencing different cultural and political events, and in any number of ways that draw out our own personal philosophy of life.”

“It is important to note that while people who have similar views may establish intellectual intimacy faster at the beginning of a relationship, you need not have identical points of view on all issues to sustain a vibrant relationship. Keeping an open mind is an important part of intellectual intimacy. Intellectual intimacy is much more than simply knowing what a person thinks and believes about a variety of issues or topics. It is about knowing how a person thinks—what drives, inspires, and motivates his or her ideas and opinions.”

Spiritual Intimacy

“Spiritual intimacy is the rarest and the most elusive form of intimacy. Some couples have identical traditional religious beliefs, while other couples who enjoy this rare intimacy have tremendously different beliefs or ways of expressing their beliefs.
Spiritual intimacy begins with a respect for each other and blossoms in the idea that the lover will do everything within his or her power to help the beloved become the-best-version-of-himself or herself. The first purpose of every relationship is to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves.”

“Spiritual intimacy is best approached as an open-minded adventure in which we seek to discover the truth of every situation and to apply that truth as we strive to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves.”

The point is that each of the four aspects of a person should be nurtured equally. It is the maturity of all four that creates harmony and fulfilment for the whole person.

Next, we explore deeper on how to be intimate with others, starting from ourselves.

The following sharing except from the book “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other” by OSHO and the book “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection” by Teal Swan.

One should be capable of being alone, utterly alone, and yet tremendously blissful. Then you can love. Then your love is no longer a need but a sharing, no longer a necessity. You will not become dependent on the people you love. You will share— and sharing is beautiful.

OSHO

Intimacy with others

When two lovers are really open to each other, when they are not afraid of each other and not hiding anything from each other, that is intimacy. When they can say each and everything without any fear that the other will be offended or hurt. . . . If the lover thinks the other will be offended, then the intimacy is not yet deep enough. Then it is a kind of arrangement, which can be broken by anything.

But when two lovers start feeling that there is nothing to hide and everything can be said, and the trust has come to such a depth where even if you don’t say it the other is going to know, then they start becoming one.

Even lovers rarely become intimate. And just to be sexually related to somebody is not intimacy. Intimacy can be with it or it can be without it. Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allow-ing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself—-to allow the other to see you from your inside, to invite somebody to that deepest core of your being.

Relating to others

Relationship is a thing: You cling to it.

Relating is a flow, a movement, a process.

The river passes by the side of a tree, saying hello, nourishing the tree, giving water to the tree . . . and it moves on, dances on. It does not cling to the tree. And the tree does not say, “Where are you going? We are married! And before you can leave me you will need a divorce—at least a separation! Where are you going? And if you were going to leave me, why did you dance so beautifully around me? Why did you nourish me in the first place?” No, the tree showers its flowers onto the river in deep gratefulness, and the river moves on. The wind comes and dances around the tree and moves on. And the tree gives its fragrance to the wind.

OSHO

Something to Take Note on

Be the initiator

Many of us are waiting for someone to connect for us, simply because we are terrified of rejection yet we all want connection. So, be the one to initiate the contact. When we get over this tendency to be passive about connection and be willing to go places where we want to connect with, we start to initiate contact with them.

Find common ground

Seek out common ground helps us to build rapport and to socially connect with someone. Seek to understand them by asking questions, deep questions which reflects their inner world of values, beliefs and dreams or struggles. As you talk, you related to them, empathise, be compassionate and find ways to help them feel validated. Remember, to connect with someone, we have to e willing to feel what they feel.

A huge part of connecting is providing a safe space to connect.

Give full presence

Once we have connected with someone, give this person your undivided, unconditional, focused presence. You are giving your full presence of your consciousness, with open body language, look into the eye, uncross your arms and legs, chest facing them, all these will send out messages that “I am open to you and I would like to connect, receive and to be received.”

Speaking from the heart

Bring your thoughts to your heart space, literally imagine bringing them down to your chest area and speak from there. Thus, we will tend to be more willingly vulnerable and more authentic with less defensive or attackin as we communicate.

Remember to express your wants, needs and expectations clearly in your relationship. Because it is not fair for the other person to guess or expect them to read your mind. As well as understanding the person’s wants, needs and expectations. Encourage each other to do the same and commit to meet those needs and wants together.

Committing & Prioritising

To have a strong connection is to take responsibility for maintaining the integrity of the connection, by prioritising your relationships. To commit is a state of dedication to put energy on it. Ask yourself, “what do I really want to be committed to?”

If there is fear towards commitment, pay attention to the inner aspect of self who is terrified of the past disappointments that this inner self wants to stay safe. Send compassion and love to this aspect of self and explain how your desire to commit is because you want the best for it and yourself in the long run.

Repair & Re-establish connection

We experience ruptures in any kind of relationships, where a minor one could be a small preferences on needs, wants, or perspectives; a major one could be a break-up. Now, to repair the link, it has to be the top priority where both parties has to work on to be on the same page. To be a vibrational match to the people in our lives. The most painful form of being is to be in a different realities, vibrationally and being in the same physical space. So, the solution is to find a way to get back on the same page.

It means to be in alignment with each other so side-by-side, we are heading in the same direction. Reaching agreement with the same perceptual reality with lots of effective and on-going communication. To find a way where both does not have to give up anything that is important and creating the third option, not sacrificing or compromising.

Trust , trust, trust

To trust someone is to feel as if you can rely on them to capitlize on your best interests. Meaning not ht they or we will put ech other interests above our own, but that they will capitalize on your best interests. Keep in mind, as we continue the journey, our perspective continues to expand so our best interest will change too. Also, remember, when we hurt someone, we are hurting ourselves. So it no longer capitalize on your own best interest to the detriment of theirs.

Trust is the basis of a connection, when two people agree to hold responsibility for not only their own best interests but also their partner’s as they are unified.

Use the “Energy of Connection”

When we meet people, we can send them warmth and positive energy to make them feel comfortable and welcomed by you. Here’s how, introduced by Teal Swan. As we walk down the street and passes by strangers, you look for specific you like, appreciate or love about this person, and mentally say, “I love you for [fill in the blank with whatever you like about them].” Then, mentally say why you love that about them. And finish it with, “I love you for that.”

When you say these words in the head, imagine sending this energy out of your heart or chest toward them, as if an invisible signal to their hearts. Do this as a silent practice as you walk through the town, with as many people as you can but best to do it with 5 people in a focused way rather than a dozen not really focused way. The bonus is that with this, you are creating ripples in the collective consciousness and see how blown away at how your interactions with people.

Feel the consciousness of each person as your own consciousness.

Jesus says, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

First, we must see each other as a person, not a ‘thing’ to be manipulated or exploit. Then, feel the consciousness of each person as your own consciousness. Feel that the other’s conscious as the same consciousness that you have. Then, the “other” disappears, only a consciousness flows between you and him or her. You become two poles of one consciousness flowing, of one current.

How to start?

Start with a river, with a hill, with the stars, with the sky, with trees. Once you come to know the feeling of what happens when you become one with the tree; once you come to know how blissful you become when you become one with the river, how without losing anything you gain the whole existence, then you can try it with people.

And if it is so blissful with a tree, with a river, you cannot imagine how much more blissful it will be with a person, because a person is a higher phenomenon, a more highly evolved being. Through a person you can reach higher peaks of experience. If you can become ecstatic with even a rock, with a person you can feel a divine ecstasy happening to you.

But start with something that you are not much afraid of, or with a person you love—a friend, a beloved, a lover—of whom you are not afraid, with whom you can be really intimate and close without any fear, with whom you can lose yourself without getting scared deep down that he may turn you into a thing.

Become the tree, become the River, become the wife, become the husband, become the child, become the mother, become the friend—it can be practiced every moment of life. But in the beginning it will be difficult. So do it for at least one hour every day. In that hour, whatsoever passes around you, become that. You will wonder how it can happen—there is no other way to know how it can happen, you have to practice it.

OSHO

OSHO recommended to feel at least one hour every day to be in empathy with something. I have personally experienced with a tree then a bird, it is phenomenon with no words to describe. Kindly experience it yourself to find out.

When someone’s else happiness is experienced as your happiness, you know you have found unconditional love. This is one of the most expansive feelings on the planet.

Teal Swan

Ready to dance in the storm?

How are you to know, sitting inside your house, whether you will be able to withstand the storm and the wind outside? You have never been in the storm. Go and see! Trial and error is the only way. Go and see—maybe you will be defeated, but even in that defeat you will have become stronger than you are right now. If one experience defeats you, then another and another, by and by the very going through the storm will make you stronger and stronger and stronger. A day comes when one simply starts delighting in the storm, one simply starts dancing in the storm. Then the storm is not the enemy—that, too, is an opportunity, a wild opportunity, to be.

OSHO

Cheering,

Abhya

First Step Towards Intimacy

Day 5 on ‘First Step Towards Intimacy’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

On the last post, we look at some perspectives on why we avoid intimacy, this post shares more on how we can be intimate, first with ourselves.

Recap on The Origin

The word intimacy comes from the Latin root intimum, which means your interiority, your innermost core.

Unless you have something there, you can’t be intimate with anybody.

OSHO

The following sharing except from the book “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other” by OSHO and the book “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection” by Teal Swan.

The heart of authenticity

The root of authenticity is knowing how you feel and admitting it to yourself, and subsequently to others. Your emotions then are like a compass that brings you straight to awareness.

Self Intimacy

How to cultivate intimacy with self?

The first step is to accept yourself in your totality. Once you have accepted yourself as you are, the fear of intimacy will disappear. You are just like a small child, utterly innocent. You can open to enjoy simplicity, innocence, trust, love, openness.

OSHO

And when you are ready to be intimate, you will encourage the other person also to be intimate. Your openness will help the other person also to be open to you. Your simplicity will allow the other and the fear of becoming very intimate with others, one will become aware of it.

Start where you are

Have you ask yourself what are you searching for?

As our senses are all extroverted with the eyes open outward, the hands move, spread outward, the legs move into the outside, the ears listen to the outside noises, to sounds. Whatsoever is available to us is all opening to the outside. We then, start searching there—where we see, feel, touch.

Be Aware of Your Emotions

The self-awareness protocol introduced by Teal Swan to discover our truth with emotions.

There are five basic parts that make up the complete truth about how we feel in any given situation that upsets us. They are, in this order: anger, pain, fear, understanding and love.

When we are hurt or afraid due to a specific conflict, but never let ourselves or others become aware of the anger we feel. It’s a natural defence. It’s actually a common behaviour, which we learn in our formative years, to only allow ourselves to explore and express certain aspects of the complete truth and not others.

Now, think about any upsetting event or situation in your life, then, write anything and everything you can about each of the following emotions. Note to not move on from one part (such as anger) to the next part (such as pain) until you feel that you have expressed and exhausted all thoughts and emotions that correspond to each specific part. Remember that emotions are healthy, so don’t suppress any emotions that come up.

Anger

• What am I angry about?

Pain

• What about this makes me so sad?

Fear

• What about this makes me so afraid?

Understanding

• I understand that…

Love

• Deep down, in my heart, I want…

Setting Boundaries

If you find yourself enmesh to cater others’ thoughts and action easily, the first thing you need to work on is boundaries.

Boundaries are guidelines for one to relate the self to the rest of the world. They are the rules of conduct from a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Thus, the word boundary is something that defines you, where it is a preference not a fence.

A boundary is the imaginary line that uniquely defines your personal happiness, feelings, thoughts, integrity, desires and needs, and therefore most importantly your truth, from the rest of the universe.

Teal Swan

Here are some signs that we have unhealthy boundaries based on Teal Swan’s book ‘The Anatomy of Loneliness’:

• Saying no when you mean yes or saying yes when you mean no.

• Feeling guilty when you do say no.

• Acting against your integrity or values in order to please others.

• Not speaking up when you have something to say.

• Adopting another person’s beliefs or ideas so you are accepted.

• Not calling out someone who mistreats you.

• Accepting physical touch or sex when you don’t want it.

• Allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate another person’s immediate wants or needs.

• Giving too much just to be perceived as useful.

• Becoming overly involved in someone’s problems or difficulties.

• Allowing people to say things to you or in front of you that make you uncomfortable.

• Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your relationships.

Remember: Your boundaries are defined by your feelings and your feelings will always tell you whether a boundary of yours has been violated, no matter what kind of boundary it is. When someone said something that has hurt you, one has emotionally violate your boundary.

What it is that you really need or really want?

Get in touch with your needs

If our needs were not met in childhood, they must be met in our adult life. Thus, why some events or situations seems to keep repeating.

Here is a self check list:

• Do I know what I really want?

• Do I let other people tell me what to think or believe and how to feel?

• Do I do things I don’t really want to do and say yes when I really want to say no or say no when I really want to say yes?

• Am I afraid to let people know how I really feel?

• Am I afraid of people thinking negatively of me?

Listen To Your Inner Voice

One, never listen to anybody, what they tell you to be. Always listen to your inner voice, what you would like to be; otherwise your whole life will be wasted. The guide exists within you, you carry the blueprint.

OSHO

Why everybody looks so frustrated, is that nobody has listened to one’s own voice. Just close your eyes and listen to the inner voice. This is the first thing.

Start trusting yourself, that is the fundamental lesson, the first lesson. Start loving yourself. If you don’t love yourself, who else is going to love you? But remember, if you only love yourself, your love will be very poor.

Accept yourself

The moment you accept yourself you become open, you become vulnerable, you become receptive. The moment you accept yourself there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is.

If you reject yourself, you are basically rejecting the universe; if you reject yourself, you are rejecting existence.

If you accept yourself, you have accepted existence; then there is nothing else to do but to enjoy, to celebrate. There is no complaint left, there is no grudge; you feel grateful.

OSHO

Don’t postpone life. Don’t wait for tomorrow, it never comes. Live it today!

Live in the Present

Always remain in the present because all falseness enters either from the past or from the future. That which has passed has passed. Don’t unnecessarily be bothered about the future, otherwise that will come into the present and destroy it. Be true to the present, and then you will be authentic. To be here now is to be authentic. No past, no future— this moment, all. This moment the whole eternity.


You have to live this moment as totally as possible because the next moment may not come ever. You may not be there; the other may not be there. Or you may both be there, but the relationship is not. All possibilities remain open. The future always remains open, the past is always closed. And in between the two is the present, a single moment of present, always trembling, shaking. But this is how life is. The shaking and the trembling are part of being alive—the hesitation, the cloudiness, the vagueness. The past is closed. Everything has happened, and now nothing can be changed, so everything is absolutely closed. The future is absolutely open, nothing can be predicted.

Life is a river, a flow, a continuum with no beginning and no end. It is not going somewhere, it is always here. It is not going from somewhere to somewhere else, it is always coming from here to here. The only time for life is now, and the only place is here. There is no struggle to reach, there is nothing to reach. There is no struggle to conquer, there is nothing to conquer. There is no effort to protect, because there is nothing to be protected from. Only life exists, alone, absolutely alone, beautiful in its aloneness, majestic in its aloneness. And when you are separated from life, you are like a tree that is separated from the earth. It may live a little of the past nourishment, but really it is dying. The tree needs roots; the tree needs to be in the earth, joined with it, part of it. You need to be joined with the continent of life, part of it, rooted in it. When you are rooted in life, you are soft because you are not afraid. Fear creates hardness. Fear creates the idea of security, fear creates the idea of protecting yourself. And nothing kills like fear because in the very idea of fear you are separated from the earth, uprooted. Then you live on the past—that is why you think so much of the past.

Be self-full

Love starts with self-love. Don’t be selfish but be self-full—and they are two different things.

Look at the tree for example. Each tree is selfish or rather self-full. It brings water to its roots, it brings juices to its branches, to the leaves, to the fruits, to the flowers. When it blossoms, it releases fragrance to everybody, to the known, unknown, familiar and stranger. When it is loaded with fruits, it shares, then it gives those fruits.

Life should be a dance. And everybody’s life can be a dance. It should be music—and then you can share; you will have to share. I don’t have to say it because this is one of the fundamental laws of existence: The more you share your bliss, the more it grows.

OSHO

Next, we will dive deeper into intimacy with self and with others. Enjoy the ride.

Dancing,

Abhya

Why are we so afraid of Intimacy?

Day 4 on ‘Why are we so afraid of Intimacy?’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

Let’s explore more perspectives on why we desire intimacy, yet we run away from it. It is only when we understand the our fear, we can move forward by facing it.

The Origin of Intimacy

The word intimacy comes from the Latin root ‘intimum’, which means your interiority, your innermost core.

The following sharing except from the book “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other” by OSHO and the book “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection” by Teal Swan.


Why are we avoiding intimacy?

Having intimacy could mean exposing our secrets. We are afraid that if people really knew us they would not love us. When we are running away from it, we could fill the void created by the lack of intimacy in our lives with addictions where we feed ourselves with external substances like alcohol, drugs, shopping, food or some with short series of short term relationships of sexual experiences.

Our perceptions on the past and future experiences

It is important to note that whatever happened to us is our own interpretation of the event, based on our past experiences. One person will experienced the event as painful, but the other person from the same event might experience it differently.

According to Teal, our fear towards the unknown is not the unknown, but it is the fear of our own projection towards the future. So, we are not afraid of the unknown but rather the perception of the future based on our past experiences. Thus, we are freeing our fear of the unknown and look at the real fear in the mind.

The inauthenticity of “needing space

I love how Teal shared about our human need is connection thus the biggest threat to it is isolation. If we need space to ourselves, see ourselves who needs alone time, for Teal, it is us who are being inauthentic. There is a big congruence between our inner self and external self when we are around people.

It is due to the enmeshment trauma when our personal boundaries are not acknowledge, not seen or not validated. Like when someone enter a room, one will instantly feel as if one’s thoughts, words or action have to cater to the person’s needs, desires and preferences. When one is with others, one can’t seem to figure out how do one feel, think and wants.

One of the hardest things for the human species to learn is, “I can have myself and have you too.

Teal Swan

Our Coping Mechanism

When we were young, if our parents were not attuned to us, there are two ways to cope with the unmet experience:

“1. We learned that our survival depended on disconnecting from them and retreating into a narcissistic bubble where all that was real and all that mattered was our individual experience.”

“2. We learned that our survival depended on being hyper-attuned to the people in our lives so that we could perceive them, anticipate their behaviour and make adjustments to our behaviour accordingly in order to avoid harm to ourselves.”

Consider we have layers of bubble between us and others, we can only see them, feel them and tune to them by popping the bubble.

Nobody knows you—not even you yourself know.

OSHO

Why are we afraid of showing who we are?

Since young, there have been many voices around us and within us, some coming from our parents, our teachers and so on. But, how do you know which is yours? How to decide? Who are you?

To be intimate means you will have to put aside the role. And you do not want to show who we really are is because you know who you are: worthless, just dirt, which was what you have been told from the very beginning. From your parents, teachers, priests, politicians, all have been telling you that you are dirt, worthless.

Nobody has ever accepted you. Nobody has given you the feeling that you are loved and respected, that you are needed—that this existence will miss you, that without you this existence will not be the same, that without you there will be a hole. Without you this universe will lose some poetry, some beauty: A song will be missed, a note will be missed, there will be a gap—nobody has told you that.

OSHO

We learned to depend on others and afraid to go into alone-ness because once we go into aloneness, we are losing the sense of who we are, which was created by others’ opinions on us. From somebody to nobody. We were taught to solve problems to be someone valuable to the society, thus we kept solving never-ending problems.

Life is a beautiful mystery to be lived—not a problem to be solved but just to be lived and enjoyed.

Self reflective questions

Do you trust yourself?

Osho described how society destroys trust at the very roots where it does not allow us to trust ourselves. It teaches all other kinds of trust: trust in the parents, trust in the church, trust in the state, trust in God, ad infinitum. Yet, the basic trust is completely destroyed. As though as we do not have real roots for real flowers to grow.

Do you love yourself?

When we are incapable of loving ourselves, we will never be able to love anybody. To love others, we must be able to love ourselves. Somehow, society condemns self-love, saying it is selfishness and narcissistic. It is selfishness if love becomes confined to oneself. Otherwise, self-love is the beginning of all other loves.

Are you stuck on security?

No relationship can be secure. It is not the nature of relationships to be secure, and if any relationship is secure, it will lose all attraction.

OSHO

So this is a problem for the mind. To enjoy a relationship, it has to be insecure. To be absolutely secure, then we cannot enjoy it because it loses all charm and all attraction.

The mind would want a relationship to be alive and secure, but anything that is alive is unpredictable. What is happening next is unforeseen. We have been protecting, collecting and accumulating. Once we can accept the fact that everything can be lost, nothing is certain, which is a part of being alive, we begin to live.

What are the real and false values?

In the place of love, trust, we have created a false value: “loyalty.” Osho described the loyal person is only superficially concerned with love, where one goes through all the gestures of love, but one means nothing by them, which is not out of joy but out of fear. It is not out of love but, it is out of a conditioned mind like the dog to its master.

Society wants guarantees, thus, it has removed love as the unpredictable and unreliable experiences, putting marriage in security. Marriage knows loyalty, loyalty to the husband and wife, formally.

OSHO

Can you accept yourself?

Consider this, we have been conditioned for centuries not to accept ourselves. All we have taught is to focus on improving ourselves. Thus, created anxiety in us, where this anxiety is the tense state between that which you are and that which you should be. Most of us remain anxious with a “should” in life, constantly living to improve ourselves for the best version, a future oriented based.

Next: Being authentic

Now, we kind of fill out some blanks on why most people are not comfortable with themselves. When one is not comfortable with oneself, one would make others uncomfortable too.

To enter the heart of being authentic is being vulnerable. The reason we are inauthentic is because we are afraid of what will happen if we are. We are afraid to be rejected, unloved or not received.

Being authentic might look something more like this:

“That was really scary. It made me feel like I was invisible and didn’t matter.

Teal Swan

Next, we explore on the ways to be intimate.

Self-pat,

Abhya

Radical Honesty & Radical Acceptance

Day 3 on ‘Radical Honesty & Radical Acceptance’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From Remembering Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

Before we dive into connection and relationships, I deemed it is important to be honest and work with acknowledgement first. This post will look at some aspects of radical honesty of Brad Blanton’s book and radical acceptance from Tara Brach’s book.

The following content is mainly excerpt from: Brad Blanton’s “Radical Honesty : How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth” and Brach, Tara’s “Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame.”

What is radical?

The word ‘radical’ is relating to the most important parts of something or someone; (especially of change or action) relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; another synonymous would be complete, extreme, new or different. 

Why radical honesty?

We are all liars. 

“This is what I have learned after 30 years of experience:
We all lie like hell. It wears us out. It is the major source of all human stress. Lying kills people.”

Brad Blanton

Normality is the key to avoid change and continue to live with the pain. So often that people are proud to be normal and with the idea of normality. But, when we lie, hide or avoid change, we are limiting ourselves from new discovery and we don’t help others to discover anything new too.

Radical honest is when we take responsibility to stop blaming others, outside circumstances or past events for the conditions of own life. How we normal live is based on our summations of the past experiences but not the experience itself.

Brad described how children were all trained to be moralists, which at the same time, we train them to be liars, because being ‘good’ and ‘looking good’ are valued, thus leading directly to lying. Moralism’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’ become more important than ‘alive’ or ‘dead’. When we experience painful experiences, we figure how to be good enough to keep the pain from happening again.

What children learned first is the ability to control, when we grew up, we realised we must control ourselves, which created and accumulated the source of anger. With the imposition to control anger is the source of even greater anger.

“We awaken in the womb into an ocean of experience. Over a long period of time, that ocean of experience becomes a sea of suggestions. We lose track of the ocean of experience. We lose track of having created the sea.”

Why radical acceptance?

“Feeling unworthy goes hand in hand with feeling separate from others, separate from life. The more deficient we feel, the more separate and vulnerable we feel.”

Tara Bach

If we are shadowed by the fear or failure, trapped by own dilemma, we are not aware of choices and options which might exists to continuously caught up with our stories and fears on how we might fail. Thus reliving this state which completely limits our experience of life and develop addictions to people or substances. 

When we hold back from our experience or feelings, our reflex is to resist it, the body is stiffen, the muscles are contract, the mind is contract as well as the heart shuts down. Denying certain parts of who we are leads to separation or fragmentisation, then, where we are fuelling more fears to sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance. 

It is when we begin to accept absolutely everything about ourselves and our lives, embracing each moment by being aware of what is happening within our body and mind without trying to control, judge or pull away. Not to put up with harmful behaviour but it is owning each aspects, each inner process of the actual moment, meaning, when we desire or dislike someone or something, we do not judge ourselves for the feeling. 

Some of our strategies to cope with the pain of adequacy are:

  • we keep busy;
  • we hold back to play safe rather than risking failure; we withdraw from present moment;
  • we focus on other’s fault;
  • we embark on one self-improvement project after another.

Radical acceptance is when we clearly recognising what is happening inside of us and see it with an open, kind and loving heart. 

How to be and practice radical honesty?

“Intimacy is a power grown into after adolescence. The person capable of intimacy — that is, the person capable of telling the truth — still has roles to play, but is no longer trapped by them. The integrated person behind the role no longer has anything to hide, and can relate freely to the being he knows is hidden behind the roles others are playing. The person is then in charge, rather than the role.”

Brad Blanton

There are 3 level to practice radical honesty:

Level One: Revealing the Facts

Tell the facts of the past where you have been withheld from so you release the burden and receive all the energy was used to hide the facts.

Level Two: Honesty About Current Thoughts and Feelings

Reveal your emotions and judgements on moment-by-moment basis, which is a hard work and it never ends.

Level Three: Exposing the Fiction

Admit who you are so you don’t have to pretend to be. When you sell yourself, you tell the truth and you live the truth.

“Who you are becomes more a description centered in the here and now, and less of a story about your life.”

When we reveal more, we have less to hide. Then we have less worry about being found out, we can pay better attention to someone else. Thus, telling the truth makes intimacy possible. When we learn to speak the truth, it is one of the most liberation way of living where one will be feeling most free and most alive. Yet, it can be insecure than normal. 

Something we can all do is to have a revealing conversation with our mum, dad, brother, sister or any important earlier relation with our parental family.  

How to radically accept? 

“When we stop running, we are becoming available to the life of the moment.”

Self reflection questions:

  • Do I accept my body as it is?
  • Do I feel I am not attractive enough?
  • Do I judge myself for being too heavy? Underweight? Not physically fit?
  • Do I judge myself for not being intelligent enough? Humorous? Interesting?
  • Am I ashamed of myself for having bad thoughts—mean, judgmental or lusty thoughts?
  • Do I accept my emotions and moods as they are?
  • Is it okay for me to cry? To feel insecure and vulnerable?
  • Do I feel I’m a bad person because of ways I behave?
  • Do I feel disgusted with myself when I eat compulsively? When I smoke cigarettes or drink too much alcohol?
  • Do I feel something is wrong with me because I am not capable of intimacy?
  • Am I down on myself for not accomplishing enough—for not standing out or being special in my work?

Practise Pausing- The Sacred Pause.

Pausing is the gateway to radical acceptance, during the midst of the day, when we pause, we disrupt our habitual behaviours, give room and attention to life which is habitually overlooked. When we resume to  our activities, we do so with increased presence and more ability to make choices.  

When we become conscious of the feelings, this gives us opportunity to face the emotions arises and the choice to respond. Pausing when we feel angry, or when we feel overwhelm or when we are filled with desire. 

“Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.

This opening to the life
we have refused
again and again
until now.

Until now.”

David Whyte

Be Abnormally Honest

Here is my personal truth:

I wrote the blog as one of my outlet to express and share what I have learned. I write with the intent to reveal more about my inner emotions, so I can be validated and to be understood, by myself and the readers. I share with an intent to allow my loved ones to expand and explore different perspectives of life as I learn. I intent to reach out to people of the same openness and willingness to see life in different perspectives. I intent to live life in transparency, with nothing to hide and nothing to avoid. 


I intent to recognize myself of my pain, my wound, my gifts, my talent, my being and fully accept all of them, including my shadow self, my shame self, my fear self, and my vulnerable self. I intent to show who am I so those who read will be able to grasp more clue about my beliefs and values, so I can be trusted, so we can be connected to either be friends or partners in creation. I intent to come clean with my family, tribe and clan so we started to come clean together. 

Thank you for reading.

Kindly read the books for more detailed information and practices. I am grateful for Brad Blanton’s and Tara Bach sharing and effort for the content.

May we accept and may we be honest, step by step.

Cleansing, 

Abhya  

Loneliness & Connection From Teal Swan’s Perspectives

Day 2 on ‘Loneliness & Connection From Teal Swan’s Perspectives’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From ‘Remembering’ Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

Have you ever felt lonely?

Whether you are alone or in the crowd, loneliness can be felt.

So, what is loneliness?

From Verywell Mind: Loneliness is defined by researchers as feeling lonely more than once a week. Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.

From iresearchnet: Loneliness is defined as the distressing experience that occurs when one’s social relationships are perceived to be less in quantity, and especially in quality, than desired.

From OSHO: Loneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. Loneliness is always concerned with others; aloneness is concerned with oneself. Aloneness has a beauty while loneliness is poor.

I perceived it as a state of being and it is subjective depending on how each of us see it. Personally, I have felt lonely, times when I was with my close circles when I was not understood, or times when I was alone but with overwhelm emotions not knowing how to handle it.

Your turn, what is your definition of loneliness?

The coming sharing is based on what I have learned from the book “The Anatomy of Loneliness: How to Find Your Way Back to Connection” by Teal Swan

The Loneliness Epidemic

Loneliness could be the number one source of suffering where we are all trying to avoid with different ways.

We all experienced pain in life, some is in the deepest form of trauma in the sense of disconnection. With this trauma, it splits us apart and separate us from the people and things around us, disconnecting ourselves.

Teal Swan identified the 3 pillars of loneliness:

  1. Separation
  2. Shame
  3. Fear

The first pillar – Separation

Fragmentation within us is created when we deny some aspects of us, both positive and negative. For example, when some of our traits or behaviours were rejected from our family or how we adopt certain behaviours to be loved and accepted. Since young, for survival sake, we would disown, deny and suppress some aspects of us to be approved by our loved ones creating our personalities today.

When showing my vulnerability such as crying was perceived as not acceptable or would be punished because of it, I would fragment myself to bury this vulnerable aspect of me from my own awareness, thus creating a constant inner conflict within, what Teal Swan called multiple inner personalities.

The more we hate some traits in someone else, the more we rejected it within ourselves. The opposite is also true: the more we love something in someone else, the more we sorrowfully disowned it in ourself.

For example, I found out I disowned my anger when it arises by perceiving it as something negative, thus, many times before, I found people who get angry instantly very unacceptable.

Self reflection: Look at the traits that you hate in others, especially in your partner.

What bothers you in others?

The second pillar- Shame

Teal shared how shame is a primitive reaction in us like an instinct and our fight-flight mode where we push ourselves away from ourselves. Which is a mechanism of fragmentation as well as suppression, thus shame creates internal separation.

When we feel shame, the physical sensations include feeling smaller, contracting to almost hiding. Shyness and embarrassment are the secondary reaction to shame.

Since young, our survival is dependent on others, thus when we are separated or when we experience isolation, it is one huge threat for us. The fear of losing connection with others. When our caregivers ignore, shame or criticise us, we learned that the world is unsafe for us and we distrust it. If someone withdrawn from us, we would perceived we are undesirable, so if I am undesirable, I would push myself away with the fragmentation within, thinking “something is wrong with me”.

Many of us suffered emotional neglect in the childhood which is the trauma caused by what is not done- the comforting, the loving support, the loving words, and belonging which did not happen. When our emotional needs were not met in the childhood time, we will have difficulty to meet them in the adulthood. Most of us would internalised how we were treated negatively and treat ourselves as if there is something wrong with us and has to be punished.

Owning our shame is the first key to end shame. With compassion as a form of connectedness, where we can relate to the pain. When events or people trigger pain in us, we can ask, “what am I making this mean?”

Look at how we interpret the meaning of the situation, then question them instead of making assumption.

The third pillar: Fear

Fear is said to be the number one most isolating experience on the planet. The more fearful we are, the more alone we are. This results us to separate from others making us more lonely with human connection.

“People who are lonely are deeply fearful people. The fear they feel is the felt experience of pushing something away.”

Our core fear is the thing we try the hardest to avoid in life.

The 4 primary fears in relationships are abandonment, rejection or disapproval, being trapped in pain, and the loss of self (enmeshment).

Teal mentioned what we fear is the projection of ours into the unknown, the potential failure and fall we could experience. So, it is not the unknown we are afraid of but the projection we have with it, then unknown will no longer be scary. When we train ourselves to focus on the value of the experience, the worry will be greatly reduced.

Start by focusing and developing trust in our ability to handle whatever happens, when we believe that we could handle anything, fear would no longer kicks in to limit us to the possibilities in life. Begin by exercising your personal power with the choice you have, saying ‘I choose to (or) not to’ instead of ‘I can’t’.

Self reflection: “How would my life be different and what might I do differently with my time and energy if I just accepted that I am in a lifelong relationship with fear?”

You may also ask, “What is so frightening about this?” Feel the fear and be with it. See the projection of yours, is it real?

Isolation and Loneliness in adulthood

We grow up with the inabilities to manage our own emotions and with extreme fear of intimacy, we feel powerless, and thus, we tend to develop co-dependent relationships. All these behaviours and traits are our adaptation, the good news is, we can unlearn and relearn once we are aware of this.

The Key of Connection : Intimacy

The primary ingredient for connection is intimacy. Intimacy is more than physical sexual intimacy, sex is a part of intimacy.

Intimacy is about knowing yourself and being known by others for who you really are in all aspects of your life.

It is when we show who we are and at the same time the other person show who they are so we can connect to each other deeply, includes seeing into, feeling into, listening into, perceiving and understanding each other.

Why is intimacy so scary?

Because we have trusted people with ourselves in our lives where many of us have been hurt, betrayed, rejected, punished and ignored. When it seems like almost no one knows how to create and maintain healthy relationships, we learnt that our relationships will become painful and can never have a healthy connection, simply because we have not experience it.

We enter a relationship with our own pain and the other bring their own pain, so, to protect our inner self, we tend to keep things in to avoid further pain, and thus, most of our aspects are left unseen, unheard and unfelt.

Leading to the avoidance of intimacy

We avoid bad things or things which we perceived that might hurt us, knowingly or unknowingly. Absolutely terrified of things going bad if we let others see our true side, thinking they won’t accept us or even use this to go against or control us.

We were born naturally to be close to our parents so intimacy comes naturally to us all. If we have fear of intimacy, our parents either dismissed our neediness and shamed us for it or used it against us.

Then, for us as children, not knowingly, we would decide to see that our parents must be right about it, that our feelings thoughts and desired were invalid. We let it happen to keep us safe from conflict and avoid being abandoned. Thus, we lost our own truth, we lost ourselves.

As we grew up, we never get to resolve the pain with different experience, to be felt, to be seen, to be heard and to be understood. Without any frame of references of how is it like to have someone meet our needs in a consistent loving way, we move on to experience more heartbreak.

Simply, we avoid closeness because we have learned to cope with our own feelings with avoidance. Where we suppress our needs, feelings and we are doing the same to other people. We don’t want to feel, see, understand someone because that would bring up deep feelings of unfairness that we have not receive the same treatment in our childhood.

Imagine this, whenever we give someone love or attention, you are giving to the child in you which suffered and therefore helping to create a world where this kind of pain no longer exists.

Being okay to start again

First, for those who are afraid of intimacy or struggle with connection, we must accept and admit that we have no idea how to have a good relationship and prfioritize learning fro it from basic 101 now. Maybe because we do not have role models of a healthy relationship, so we do not know how.

Start talking to our inner self who have been wounded. Talk to them, understand them, feel them and give them the intimacy they did not received. Then, they will tell you what you need to do and what others need to do to allow closeness and intimacy to happen.

When we have shut people of, note that you have ignore this cues which can be a vicious cycle. Where people can perceive and feel as if you don’t have their best interest at heart, thus they might be in defence mode and not to care of your best interest too. When we respond to them where it makes them feel safe to be near you, the more they would want to take care of your needs.

“The day came that the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom.”

Anaïs Nin

Time to be authentic

Starting with our parents. If you fear intimacy, we might prioritise our life in area of not showing vulnerability and strong emotions needs, we can start by showing the truth of us to our parents and our close ones. And, commit to being authentic by making it a priority.

PS: Read the book for more details, it is worth your time!


May we see, feel, hear and understand ourselves and that we can be seen, be felt, be heard and understood by someone.

May we love who we are and be loved for who we are.

Truly,

Abhya

Aloneness & Loneliness

Day 1 on ‘Aloneness & Loneliness’ of ‘Relationships’ Chapter

From ‘Remembering’ Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

“Which is worth more, a crowd of thousands,
or your own genuine solitude?
Freedom, or power over an entire nation?

A little while alone in your room
will prove more valuable than anything else
that could ever be given you.”

Rumi

To start the ‘Relationships’ chapter, which is very dear to me. I deemed the importance to understand 2 words: aloneness and loneliness, from a perspective. Because the most important relationship is.. with ourselves. So happened, I came upon to this book of Osho, a mystic on Love, Freedom and Aloneness. Hereby sharing the gist of it.

The following sharing is excerpt From: Osho. “Love, Freedom, and Aloneness: A New Vision of Relating.”

A Story

An American tourist went to see a Sufi master. For many years he had heard about him, had fallen in deep love with his words, his message. Finally he decided to go to see him. When he entered his room he was surprised—it was an utterly empty room! The master was sitting; there was no furniture at all! The American could not conceive of a living space without any furniture. He immediately asked, “Where is your furniture, sir?”

And the old Sufi laughed and he said, “And where is yours?”
And the American said, “Of course I am a tourist here. I cannot go on carrying my furniture!”
And the old man said, “So am I a tourist for only just a few days, and then I will be gone, just as you will be gone.”

Alone you are born, alone you will die.

There are 2 words in the dictionary which say they have the same meaning but existence gives them totally opposite meanings. One word is loneliness and the other word is aloneness.

Loneliness is a misunderstood aloneness. Once you misunderstand your aloneness as loneliness, the whole context changes. Aloneness has a beauty while loneliness is poor.

When we are in the crowd we know who we are, our name, profession. Yet, when we realised we are not our name, it was given and we are not our race, then who are you?

The realization

The first thing to realize is whether you want it or not, you are alone. Be aware of your aloneness, which is a reality.

The rhythm: Love arises from loneliness

“In fact, you can enjoy aloneness only if you can enjoy relationship. It is relationship that creates the need for aloneness, it is a rhythm. When you have moved in deep relationship with somebody, a great need arises to be alone. You start feeling spent, exhausted, tired—joyously tired, happily tired, but each excitement is exhausting.”

“In love you moved into the other’s being, you lost contact with yourself. You became drowned, drunk. Now you will need to find yourself again. But when you are alone, you are again creating a need for love. Soon you will be so full that you would like to share, you will be so overflowing that you would like somebody to pour yourself into, to whom to give of yourself.”

“Love arises out of aloneness. Aloneness makes you overfull, love receives your gifts. Love empties you so that you can become full again. Whenever you are emptied by love, aloneness is there to nourish you, to integrate you. And this is a rhythm.”

Aloneness and Loneliness

The aloneness is total and complete. Not loneliness but aloneness. Loneliness is always concerned with others; aloneness is concerned with oneself.


Your aloneness is your essential being. Only pure aloneness gives you a clean sanity, it is so intrinsic, nobody can enter into your aloneness. You don’t need the other; the depence on the other is no more there, you are enough unto yourself.

You can be in the crowd and absolutely alone, but you may be alone and not alone at all.


Aloneness is also one of the fundamental experiences as you enter silence. In silence there is nobody else, you are simply alone. The deeper your silence will be, thoughts will be gone, emotions will be gone, sentiments will be gone — just pure being, a flame of light, burning alone.


This aloneness is worth more than a thousand lives.
This freedom is worth more than all the lands on earth.
To be one with the truth for just a moment,
Is worth more than the world and life itself.

Rumi

May we dance our aloneness, sing our aloneness, live our aloneness!

Celebrating,

Abhya

Emotions: OSHO Perspectives

Day 10 on ‘Emotions: OSHO Perspectives’ of The ‘Emotions’ Chapter

From ‘Remembering’ Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

“Always remember,
problems
are yours…”

OSHO

Explore Different Perceptions on Emotions From a Mystic

On this closing post on ‘Emotions’ chapter, I would love to dedicate this post to share OSHO’s insights and perspectives from his book: ‘Emotions’.

Relax.. give some time to sink in, watch and come back to it again. You might find new levels of understandings.. As OSHO described, may this be the lamp you can use to light the hidden corners of your own, hidden reality.

Note that the below sharing is based on OSHO’s book – Emotions

Emotion comes and goes

“You are angry, but you cannot remain angry forever.
Even the angriest man laughs sometimes, has to.
It cannot become a permanent state of affairs,
being angry.
 
Even the saddest man smiles;
and even the man who laughs continuously
sometimes cries and weeps and tears come to his eyes.”

Don’t Judge

“If you are angry, then be angry

and don’t judge that it is good or bad.”

What’s the difference between positive and negative emotion?

When we are aware of a certain emotion, with this awareness, the emotion dissolves, then it is negative. When we are aware of a certain emotion, we become the emotion, it spreads and becomes one with our being, then it is positive. Osho described the negative emotions which do not remain in the awareness is our inner realisations where these emotions will transform to positive.

Simply Remain Authentic

When we do not know what is good or bad, simply be authentic, then it will allow us to have a glimpse of the real. Only the real can know the real, the authentic can know the authentic that surrounds you.

On Repression

When we repressed humanity, not allowing individuals to be angry sometimes, then everyone keeps gathering one’s anger and everyone is full of poison which will explode in a world war.

What is repression?

When we do things we never wanted to do, when we live a live we are not meant to live. Thus, repression is a slow suicide and slow poisoning.

“Expression is life; repression is suicide.”

When we express anger on somebody else

When we throw anger to someone else, another chain might be created, especially someone is unconscious, one might throw more anger on us and there goes the chain.

We can express emotions, but not publicly, it has to be private otherwise there is no end. Go run around the house or sit under the tree to observe it, but don’t force it inside.

Understand reaction and response

Reaction is when we act depending on others, while response is not depending on others. Response is the pause and gap before reaction happens. When someone insults us, we can meditate or start question ourselves, because if the person is right, we can thank them. If they are wrong, there is no need to react with anger too.

Beware of the mind game of being silent

Osho pointed how some religions or saints promote the stillness of the mind as a form of repression. When we sit silently, try to control the thoughts and not allowing emotions to flow, it will become our habit. This is where nothing will change but appear as transformation has been done.

Anger

Why people are angry?

Because we suppressed with so much anger.

When we see anger in others, dig within ourselves, see what we find it there. When we see too much ego in others, go inside and we will find ego sitting there. Because were each other’s projections.

If you really want to know what anger is,
go into it, meditate over it, taste it in many ways,
allow it to happen inside you,
be surrounded by it, be clouded by it,
feel all the pang and the pain
and the hurt of it,
and the poison, and how it brings you low,
how it creates a dark valley for your being,
how you fall into hell through it,
how it is a downward flow.
Feel it, know it.
And that understanding will
start a transformation in you.
To know truth is to be transformed.
 
Truth liberates – but it must be your own.

[PS: I love how this is similar as Linda Star Wolf’s approach on anger, which is to allow ourselves to feel the pain and hurt, then it will transform us. I tried it myself and it has been a cleansing transformation so far!]

Your anger is true to you, so find the source of this anger, go deeper within, until the center, a moment comes, when there is no anger. Anger comes from the ego, an identity, when it feels hurt, the anger is there.

“So remember,
if you condemn a natural phenomenon
it becomes poisonous,
it destroys you, it becomes
destructive and suicidal.
If you transform it, it becomes divine.
But transformation is needed.”

Why do people get angry at you?

“They are not angry at you, they are really afraid of you. And to hide the fear they have to project the anger. Anger is always to hide fear. People use all kinds of strategies. There are people who will laugh just so that they can stop their tears. In laughing you will forget, they will forget… and the tears can remain hidden. In anger, their fear remains hidden.”

When one is full of fear, one becomes angry immediately. When one does not become angry then we will see this person’s fear. Osho described anger as a cover up. When one is angry, one is trying to make us afraid, then we wouldn’t know the fear. One might not know what is he or her afraid of, just making the others afraid, one is at ease with nothing to be afraid of.

So, anger is an act of self deception, which has nothing to do with you.

Anger shows fear

Interesting perspectives on how fear is always behind anger. Anger created a curtain around us which we can hide behind.

Sadness is passive anger; anger is active sadness

For Osho, sadness and anger is the opposite polarity which hold 50-50 equal energies so they can cancel each other.

It is easier to cry but more difficult to be angry because we are more tune in with passive, so it is hared for a sad person to be angry. If we can make a sad person angry, his sadness will disappear instantly. While it is harder for angry people to feel sad, when we can make an angry person sad, one’s anger will disappear instantly.

When one can express these 2 emotions, anger and sadness swiftly, one can choose to watch it, then you go beyond both. But first, you have to move easily between these 2 emotions.

Nothing goes as deep as sadness

Sadness brings us to the innermost core where it can reveal things we have never known before. Like how the day and darkness are both divine. Both happiness and sadness are divine too.

The issue is when we want to get rid of sadness, misery, anger, or hopelessness. They are the blessings in disguised. When we escape from them, another problem will arise, so accept them, integrate and grow.

There is nothing right and nothing wrong

There is no need for anyone to suffer, the key is – just be aware.

What is good and what is bad?

So one thing to remember –
for any seeker, a real seeker,
this is a basic thing to be understood:
remain with your facts,
try to know them.
Do not allow the society
to force its ideology on you.
 
Do not look at yourself
through others’ eyes.
You have eyes; you are not blind.
And you have the facts
of your inner life.
 
Use your eyes!

Jealousy

Jealousy means living in comparison, perceiving someone is better than us or above us. That hurts, thus, we keep fighting and it never seems to end. Start watching is without judgment. When we see through it, you see exactly what it is. When we drop jealousy, as it disappears, love remains.

“Life cannot be possessed.
You cannot have it in your fist.
If you want to have it,
you have to keep your hands open.”


Instead of fighting with darkness, simply light up the candle. That’s what love is. Once love flows, jealousy and possessions simply disappear. Delight in love more!

Fear

The one and only basic fear is the fear of losing yourself. Believing you have something to lose.

Those people who are afraid of themselves are those who don’t have themselves. Those who have themselves are not afraid.

Interestingly Osho shared how people are afraid of life. Death is rare as it happens once in a while, whereas life is everyday. Meaning we are afraid of the unknown (risk & adventures) and the mind needs rational explanation to cling to- one knows the ordinary common fear of old age and illness.

Fear is normal and essential for survival. Fear is intelligence. But fear can become abnormal and pathological.

The courage to go into the unknown

The difference between a coward and the courageous person is that the coward listens to the fear and follows them, the courageous person puts them aside and goes ahead, in spite of all the fears.

Osho talked about how we have exaggerated our fears. When we look at them, it will start to become smaller. Because we have never really look at them, we have been escaping from them, thus creating protections layers from them. With a little more awareness, catch and hold, look at it minutely like how the scientist would look at a thing. Then, you will be surprised to see how it starts to melt like an ice flake. By the time you realised, it is gone.

When fear is accepted, it becomes freedom.”

When fear is denied or rejected, it becomes guilt. All we need is just awareness. Watch it, with no judgment.

So, ‘understand’ is the most important word to remember. If you can understand anger, immediately you will be showered with compassion.


PS: Osho shared some practical exercises working with different emotions at the end, kindly read the book for details.

I am grateful to review and share this piece of work by Osho plus the sharing of others in the previous 9 posts on exploring emotions. Thank you for being here as we close the chapter of Emotion.

Deep gratitude,

Abhya

Emotions & Body (Part 2)

Day 9 on ‘Emotions & Body (Part 2)’ on ‘Emotions’ Chapter

From the ‘Remembering’ Series

[Listen to the audio with guided alignment at the end]

How do you feel now?

However you are feeling, welcome it.

This post continues after the previous post of emotions and body from the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) perspectives. Here, we intend to share the inter-relationships between emotions and the body so we can bring more awareness to both aspects of us.

Take a look at our emotional body

The emotional body (or the feeling body) is the truth of who you are at at a feeling level.”

Teal Swan

This is where we find our memories and current emotional state. With one thought, we are able to feel it, from the secretion of hormones in the body creating sensations of what we call the emotions.

Note that this emotional body is not an actual body, but it is an etheric one. Let’s understand more on how emotions and body are linked.

Mapping emotions in the body

When we are experiencing an emotion, it can be felt in our physical body, for example, how we usually feel like having ‘butterflies in the stomach’ when we are nervous or feeling chills down our spine when we are in terror mode.

Just as the above where neuroscience study maps where we feel emotions in our bodies, for example, the anger, fear and disgust are mapped in the upper body. Watch here for more when the researchers show pictures or videos to provoke emotional responses.

This shows our feelings are linked with our physical reactions.

Now, let’s look deeper on why our physical illness are related to our emotions and thoughts. Hereby sharing my learnings from Deb Shapiro’s book :“Your Body Speaks Your Mind.”

Where does disease in the body comes from?

“There is an innate connection between the mind and the body … All diseases have their origins in the mind. The pains that affect the physical body are secondary diseases.”

Indian Yogi Paramahansa Yogananda

First, we understand that physical symptom is the first indication of something out of balance.

Due to excessive and chronic stress, with the high levels of adrenaline and cortisol sustained, the body does not return to the homeostasis balance thus its dysfunction are more likely to attract physical sickness.

When we have physical pain in our body, it can also be interpreted as “a hurt inside me is manifesting in my body.”

Why?

Because thoughts and emotions are energy, our physical pain or disease are the energy manifested related to the accumulation of what we think and feel especially when we repressed them, as they have no way to go.

Look out for clue of emotional issues from the physical symptoms.

Some examples from the book..

A stiff neck is when we find it difficult to turn our neck, meaning there is a block in the energy flow, it can be interpreted as rigidity in you, perhaps a fear or expressing emotions, maybe there is a conflict in knowing which way to turn, or a resistance to see another point of view, or it means you are only seeing what is right in front of you. It may indicate you have been keeping your head low for a period of time in submission or fear.

When there is a break out in an itchy rash, perhaps there is something or someone who have gotten you itchy to do or say something.

When one has problems with the shoulders, it relates to the weight of responsibilities you are carrying and it may indicate the avoidance of your own issues being busy to deal with others’ requirements but not yourself. Rigid and tense shoulders can be seen as one not expressing your real needs, doing something you would not like to do, or feeling you have so much to do or feeling scared of reaching out.

When one has weak or tired arms means an inability to allow feelings or energy to flow outward. Perhaps not being to make decisions or not able to express own needs. While one with painful or stiff arms show a resistance to expression.

When one is experiencing muscular back stiffness, it shows resistance and inner struggle. If it is a posture problem, you look at your standing in the world. One with slipped disk deals with feeling pressured with responsibilities or feeling unsupported. One with broken back represents a deep split and conflict with your purpose and place in life.

When one with tight muscles or excess fatty tissues in the thigh, there could be resistance and fear as a protective wall associated with sexuality and intimacy, dealing with issues from the past, perhaps parental problems, traumatic childhood memories, anger or resentment.

When one with bruising leg shows that you are knocking into something or going in the wrong direction with the need to re-route.

When one has cold feet, relating to the circulation and the withdrawal of blood or love, perhaps one is emotionally fearful of moving forward so one pull back from the path or one feels unclear about the direction to go.

Understand the right and left side of the body

The right side of the body represents the masculine side of both men and women, which deals with the ability to give and to be assertive. The right side also reveals our relationships to the males in life, our father, brother, lover, and son. For women, this side reflects on her responsibilities to be competent, to earn, and to make decision.

The left side of the body represents the feminine side of both men and women, which deals with the ability to ask for help, to receive and to surrender, to nurture and care for others, to be creative, and to listen. The left side is reflecting the relationships with female, our mother, sister, lover, wife, and daughter. For men, this reflects one’s ability to nurture, to be sensitive, in touch with intuition and to show his feelings.

Examine your body parts to look for the hidden causes of illness.

Take this moment to notice which side of your body is most dominant- right or left. Start paying attention to the symptoms of your body.

Practice: You can try writing a dialogue with your specific part of the body in the form of letter or journal, first, you write to it and then, let it write back to you.

Kindly read the book for more detailed information.


Review The Emotional Pain Charts

Based on what I found on the net, these three images summarise and briefly run through of our emotional pain with specific location.

PS: I would recommend to find out more on the metaphysical reasons on body pain.

May you discover your underlying cause of pain and may you pay attention to what it has to say.

Reviewing pain,

Abhya