Open Letter to My 30 Year Old Self

women in 30

I have just turned 30 years old few days back and have been working on embracing all aspects of self. Upon my recent reflections, my biggest lessons & discoveries so far have been from my past intimate relationships! Then, I wonder why am I still running away from love? I wonder what are my relationships lessons and the desired qualities I am looking from myself? I wonder.. what are my dreams and vision for the coming years?

Here is the Open Letter to My 30 Year Old Self:

<The First Part>

A letter to embrace your Divinity & allow yourself to be vulnerable. For those who are afraid to open up, who are in protection mode- staying away from love. I see you.

<The Start of the Letter>

Dear Vic Qi (Abhya),

Congratulations! You have reached a milestone in life where people called the ‘adult maturity age’ and I know you have been learning to be an adult. How does it feel to be an ‘official adult’? 

There are something I wish to tell you, from the past, present and future. 

From the past, you have been craving and yet running away from entering intimacy with your loved ones. Since young when someone offered help, you will be the first to say “no, thank you, I can do it myself.” A couple years ago in India, you received an immense love, which brought you into a state of bliss and confusion as it is not your familiar path, from what and whom you have learned. So you went back to the old ways of controlling-love. But that was the start, where a seed was planted. Thanks to him, showing you how beautiful pure love can be! 

Until last year, your previous romance relationship has shown you the way towards emotional and sexual intimacy. Now, this seed has been nourished, for a while. Thanks to him, showing you how to be vulnerable by opening up emotions. I would say, “well done for showing up!”

Today, I can tell that you are slowly but surely allowing yourself to blossom and open up. Recently, you are experiencing a “love-bomb”, a kind of nuclear bomb to be exact, here’s a reminder to you – allow the love to flow.   

I understand when you received such love, it leads you to a fluttering heart, resistant body yet a feeling of ease and wonder. There are a sense of unease and threat alert too. It is then, start to question, 

“Did you resist love?”

You understand that the reaction you have is from the protective mechanism where the body stored memories of the past, when the flame is rekindled, you will be alarmed so that it protects you not to repeat the same mistakes. Thus, the unease and doubts rises. 

Ask: “Can you allow love to flow?”

Be aware of your feelings, allow it to flow naturally. Sit still with the mind, let the mind knows that it is safe. It is just the past memories, it does not bring harm to you. Instead of running away, honour them, acknowledge them for the past protection. 

And now, you are free to choose which path to go through. Just as the past experience in India, you were given two paths at least, I know you have been wondering what happen if you choose the other path. Given the same choice again, what would you choose?

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

You cannot rush her.

You cannot force her.

You invite her.

You make space for her.

And you surrender fully into her.

When the hurt little girl heals, the Divine woman takes over.

<Second Part of the Letter> 
source: unknown

For the 30s On Relationships Lessons & Qualities: To You & The Future Partner(s)

Dear one, what are you looking for?

You understand that everyone you came across with is just a reflection of yourself, showing you your attributes that you have owned and you have not. My question to you is..

–> are you looking for love externally or internally?

From the past relationships of yours, here are the reminders from your learned lessons of your experiences, also for the sake of upcoming relationships of all kinds. 

1. “Take care of your own cup, he/she take care of his/her own cup and we come together stronger.” Meaning you are only responsible for your own feelings as you have the sensitivity to enmesh into others’ feelings as if it is yours to take. When one is in full responsibility of their own happiness, wealth, body, and dreams, one does not look for others to fill in their cup. You can support, but it is not your job to help them out completely, let them do their job. We are looking for an interdependent relationship where two parties come together stronger, without the need to complete each other or being the caretaker. One is complete by itself. Focus on your own needs.

2.  “Communicate your needs- know when to express and when to listen.” This is one of the most important lessons you have learned, knowing only through communication and not assumptions, you get to understand the other parties’ point of view and feelings. Knowing when and how to express your needs, because if you don’t express, the others wouldn’t know. If things does not happen as expected because you did not mention, it would not be a fair case for the other party. And, holding space to listen to what the other is expressing. That’s what you are good at.  

3. “Take time for solitude and balance time for each other (or others).” Express your need to be in solitude and it is totally fine to have a lot of me-time, because you need it. This would really be great if you could express it at the first place and really depends on the needs of others too. Make sure you spend some quality time with your loved ones too. 

4. “Give and receive equally.” Giving and receiving in terms of time, wisdom, space, freedom, love, attention, touch, and gift. Knowing when to be alone and when to be with each other. Knowing when to give each other space to be and to explore. Knowing when to touch by being fully present with each other. Knowing all your emotional, mental, and physical needs are valid, you have the right to request for it, but not depending on it. Because it comes from within. 

5. “Change is the only constant.” Knowing that changes happens all the time, may we encourage growth and expansion on all aspects of life. Go for the unexplored route and create more experiences with your loved ones! Be the change that you wish to see in the world. And fully enjoy the present moment. Just be. Allow it to be, to come and to go. You are capable of handling whatever situations. Trust, from within. Love.

 “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”

Carl Jung

“Whoever manipulates sees the universe as a manipulator. Whoever loves sees the universe as love. Whoever dreams sees him as a dreamer, whoever becomes a musician sees him as a musician, the chemist sees him as chemistry, the teacher sees him as a teacher, the artist sees him as art, he who does not believe sees him as empty, he who thinks him he sees as mind, he who feels sees him as heart, he who acts sees him as action, just as he who only believes in what he sees, the universe will be matter.” –

Remember, everyone is our mirror. Our own reflection in others shows us not only who we are, but also how to be better.

<Third Part of the Letter>
kayak in the ocean

For the 30s On Dreams:

You are meant to trust yourself above anyone else. The more you can follow your intuition without overanalysing or second-guessing yourself, the better.

If there’s anything that you have always wanted to do, but haven’t, out of fear, it’s important you take a chance. Believe in yourself. You will figure out where to go and how to survive, and you don’t need anyone’s opinion or company. Find the confidence to go for it alone.

Throughout your life, you will be challenged to get comfortable being true to yourself and free enough to explore without distraction. You are the exception to the rule as you search for your own inner truth. Find the courage to follow your intuition.

Choose the creative outlets, work commitments and relationships that truly inspire you. And go after them without fear or self judgment. Trust yourself right now and embrace your confidence.

Keep going.

But, what is your dream?

Here is a reminder to keep questioning and exploring different perspectives as you go. With 4 questions to ask yourself daily, as Tony Robbins says, keep selling to yourself every day!

Ask yourself: Q1- Where are you now? 

My answer: I am at where I suppose to be. Planning and designing the map towards the vision. I have my tools, my people, my wisdom, my creativity, my resources, ready to create an online series called “Remembering Who Am I” and prepare for the adventure to sacred sites.  

Ask yourself: Q2- Where do you want to go? 

My answer: The vision is to lead as an example of a coherent being in co-creating an interconnected community shared sustainable villages, a space in nature for people to be and to experience silence and sound. In nearer terms, I am moving towards 3 main sacred sites- Tibet, Egypt, Peru (and Antartica), at the same time creating online content along the way to remembering who am I and re-educating people by sharing the wisdom of love. 

Ask yourself: Q3- Why do you want to go? 

My answer: It is in my blueprint and a burning desire deep within the heart to give and share what I have within. To experience, to experiment, to expand, to integrate, to co-create and to transcend. It is just why I came here for. Why is “Remembering Who Am I” series important? The purpose is to awaken the inner power realising our capabilities as the co-creator of life. First, this discovery allows me (and others) to know myself (ourselves) in a deeper level. Second, we regain our power and as we take full responsibility in life, (third) we co-create with life to sow a new humanity. 

Ask yourself: Q4- How do you get there? 

My answer: There are detailed planning for the coming years. With an open heart and wisdom to share with the will to commit and to ask for help. I am offering 12 online courses, membership for the series, ebooks and arts, and offering service to create a pop-up space (or exhibitions) for a short term experience on silence & sound.  

Keep reminding yourself so you stayed focus on the path. Nevertheless, be still and listen to your heart. I wish you a fruitful journey during your ride towards your vision! I see you, I appreciate you and I love you. Thank you for making this far!

“Don’t dare to be different, dare to be yourself…”

Laura Baker

<The End of the Letter>


“I dare now to face the skies with my feet on the ground, I can touch the Earth with a hand and the Sun with the other. I am the beautiful distortion recognising the wonderful truth. I am the eternal being walking in the hall of cosmos, I am the only one going trough the shadow and the bright. As my sight becomes aware that is me, the key to this house and the map of my past designing my future. “ – Matías de Stefano


With infinite blessings & love, 

Abhya Pan Vic Qi  

Published by Abbhya 阿比亚 Pan Vic Qi

One sharing and supporting unity consciousness

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